


Things Are Chill

by cowbee



Series: Not me projecting onto sad gay hockey boys. [2]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: And Dex does not realize that Chowder doesn't remember, Bisexual Caitlin Farmer, Bisexual Chris "Chowder" Chow, Chowder does not remember what happens on Valentine's day okay, Coming Out, Family Drama, Gay William "Dex" Poindexter, Gen, Growth, M/M, Pansexual Derek "Nursey" Nurse, Samwell Men's Hockey, Samwell University (Check Please!), Samwell University Swim Team, Self-Discovery, Self-Esteem Issues, flirting and chirping, swimmer butt is basically the same as hockey butt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:27:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 30,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29349699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cowbee/pseuds/cowbee
Summary: William J. Poindexter enters college defensive. Not just in hockey.But Dex has a long journey ahead of him learning to be a better friend, teammate, and person. He learns a lot about himself and the others around him, and a little bit about love. This is the story of his first three years at Samwell. From feeling like an outcast and needing to aggressively defend his place on the edge of the group, to joining in and finding that sense of belonging with his teammates and best friends.You do not need to read the Nursey part first, but I would love if you did! <3
Relationships: Adam "Holster" Birkholtz/Justin "Ransom" Oluransi, Chris "Chowder" Chow & Derek "Nursey" Nurse & William "Dex" Poindexter, Chris "Chowder" Chow & William "Dex" Poindexter, Chris "Chowder" Chow/Caitlin Farmer, Derek "Nursey" Nurse/William "Dex" Poindexter, Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann, Justin "Ransom" Oluransi & William "Dex" Poindexter, Larissa "Lardo" Duan/Shitty Knight, Ollie O'Meara/Pacer Wicks, William "Dex" Poindexter/Character Development, William "Dex" Poindexter/Original Male Character(s), William "Dex" Poindexter/Personal Growth
Series: Not me projecting onto sad gay hockey boys. [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2155830
Comments: 18
Kudos: 59





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ***I don't love Will more than Nursey I swear*** So, I wrote a fic about Nursey. It's part one in this series. And I love it and am proud of it. And I thought that a companion fic of Dex's POV would be cool. And it ended up being about three times as long, more detailed, and a lot heavier on dialogue. This isn't because I love Dex more, but more like I can project stronger onto him. I feel Nursey with his anxiety, but like I FEEL Dex with his growth and learning not to be an ass. So, enjoy this, but don't be fooled: I love them both equally. 
> 
> Also Chowder literally doesn't remember anything from Valentine's day. Him and Cait are bisexual icons and I stand by that.
> 
> A warning for chapter 3 containing the same phone call from the Nursey fic with some non-explicit mention of suicidal thoughts, and then some light discussion about Jack's OD and Nursey's overmedication.
> 
> If you find inconsistencies with this and the Nursey fic, please tell me! I got carried away with this, and it was hard to stay within my own little "canon" I had made. But I think I made it work. Just let me know if you find anything that makes you think, "hey, that's not what went down in Nursey's version..."

Derek Nurse hates Will. But that’s okay, because he kind of hates Derek Nurse too. Derek is everything that has ever made him mad about his world wrapped up into a preppy city boy who says “chill” too much and gets too drunk at his first college party.

And Will isn’t stupid, okay? He knows he has white privilege. He knows that’s different from financial privilege. But it’s hard to feel receptive to anything Nurse says when it’s so painfully clear that Nurse at least  _ felt _ the effects of his financial privilege growing up. Will never felt the effects of his white privilege. He was poor, is poor, and will probably be poor for a while longer. But not forever. And not because his parents had anything to do with it. 

Derek enters freshman year on the defensive. Not just in hockey, but personally, he’s defensive. He knows Samwell’s rep. And he picked that, both for the scholarship and hockey but also because he genuinely wanted to be in that environment, despite not really being prepared for it. And wanting to be there didn’t equate to fitting in; he knows what most people must think of him. What Derek thinks of him. So he is defensive from the start. But somehow, he still makes friends.

Despite Chris Chow being actual sunshine in human form, and never once being aggressive towards Will, whenever Will and Nurse get into it about life or society or politics, Chowder goes suspiciously quiet. Will knows he’s being judged, even if it is by the kid who literally wants nothing less than to judge his teammate for being conservative. Maybe Will deserves it. Will is almost certain that Chowder and Nurse have conversations about all this without him. He’s glad. They’re probably very woke and enlightened dialogues and he would definitely not be welcome in those discussions. 

So Will enters freshman year on the defensive, both in hockey and his social life. He left home on the defensive, so it isn’t a huge adjustment, either. Will is harsh and stubborn, and he knows it. He  _ owns _ it. In high school, it made him a better leader and captain. His team was better with Will as captain than it had been in nearly a decade. So he wasn’t looking to change his demeanor coming into college. He put up his walls, ready to do his job, and not much else. Hockey, good grades. Maybe make some friends, if time allows. Chris Chow seemed enthusiastic enough for the both of them.

Will wasn’t interested in snide comments about his political views from Nurse or Shitty, or deep conversations about life and philosophy with Chowder and Bitty. But he did like the steady quiet of Jack, and working out with him. And oddly enough, Holster and Ransom were kind of endearing with their goofiness. They reminded him of his older brother, even though he knows his brother was nowhere near as intelligent or emotionally mature as those two. 

Will felt guilty for thinking of his brother like that, but it was kind of true. He was still with his high school girlfriend, who never wanted anything out of life besides a family. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! But Will saw her play volleyball and run track in high school. And she could have easily gotten a scholarship somewhere, even if she wasn’t already smart. And smart, successful people can just want families and that’s fine, but Will always wondered how much of that was her and how much of that was her upbringing. I mean, how much can you know about what you want out of life at fifteen, seventeen, twenty-one? 

All Will knew was that he wanted money. Not to be materialistic. But to be secure. To have more freedom than his family had. Hence, college. But that wouldn’t even be a possibility without his hockey scholarship and academic grant. It grates on every nerve in his body when Nurse complains about studying or difficult classes. Because Nurse could be here even if he didn’t keep his GPA above a 3.8. Will could not.

* * *

Nurse starts in on him after their first away game. This isn’t their first argument. Always on the defensive, Will gets heated too quickly.

“Man, just leave it! Why do you care what I say to them? You know they played dirty, you’ve got the limp to prove it!” he shouts, gesturing at Nurse’s knee. The trainers said he was fine, but to rest and ice tonight, and go easy tomorrow with an extra long warm up. 

“Fuck the knee. I don’t care what they do, calling them pussies doesn’t fix anything!”

“It doesn’t make things worse, either!”

“It’s a dick thing to say, there’s no need for it! It’s just misogyny thinly veiled as trash talk, it’s offensive and trashy.”

“I already know I’m white trash, Nurse, don’t need you telling me with pretentious metaphors every ten minutes.”

“You’re not even- That’s not the problem! You call them pussies and make fat jokes and-”

“There’s no problem Nurse! Holster makes fat jokes too, by the way and we all know you adore Holster! Just fucking ignore it if you hate it so much! Not like I’m asking you to say pussy!”

Holster grumbles behind them something like, “I apologized, man…” and Ransom just mutters back from across the aisle, “Don’t worry about them, Holtz.”

Nurse groans and pulls at his hair. They’re about to keep going when Jack stands up and walks down the bus aisle to stand in front of their seats. Both freshman go still and silent. Chowder sits up and turns around to look at them nervously from where he is sitting with Bitty closer to the front.

“Dex. Move to the back. Nurse, up front, take my seat. Now,” he barks, sounding cold and done. They won their game, but Jack is robotic. His cellies last as long as it takes to get in the next position on the ice, and then it’s all business. Nurse looks like he wants to argue, but Will elbows him before he gets up to follow Jack’s instructions. Nurse goes to the front of the bus and Jack sits down where they had been in the middle, and Will can see Holster’s shoulders slump where he sits behind Jack, and hear audible sighs of relief from Ollie and Wicks a few seats behind. Fuck them. This is fucking college hockey. Did they not all come from normal fucking teams? It’s not like it means anything, it’s just to rile up the other team.

There’s a kegster that night, but he can tell his team is pissed at him the second he arrives. He is all set to feel defensive and stick around for an hour just to have the appearance of being a part of the social life of the team. He doesn’t want to be here. But it hurts more than he expects when he sees Chowder, fucking Chris Chow, look away when Will catches his eye. Chris drops his gaze and turns back to his conversation with Bitty, who doesn’t look Will’s way at all. Fuck them. 

Will decides he’s getting sloshed, whether they want him here or not. He goes to Shitty for some tub juice, and Shitty doesn’t say anything to him. At least he isn’t glaring like Lardo. 

After he’s comfortably on the far side of tipsy, Will switches to beer. He heads upstairs, using the hall window he could see from the ground to climb out onto the roof. He sits and seethes, wondering if his social standing with his team will ever recover. He knows that he should just get with the program. Apparently the culture he’s used to is not what goes on here. But even admitting that to himself makes him feel so fucking  _ stupid _ . And awful, and judged. Because even though he’s sure Ransom, Holster, Ollie, and fucking everyone came from teams like his, none of them seem to care so much, and now he’s fucking made it clear that he does care, but what he cares about  _ is _ stupid and misogynistic. Fuck him. Will didn’t get drunk much in high school, but the few times he did, it mellowed him out. Now, it just seems to be making him angrier.

Chowder, on the other hand, is a chatty drunk. So when he climbs out onto the room with Will, Will isn’t surprised to hear him start talking, quickly and with more energy than someone with his BAC should have.

“Listen up, Will. Bitty wanted to come chew you out. I told him I’d handle it. You need to calm the fuck down.” Will is so gobsmacked by this that he is genuinely speechless. Chowder has said exactly one cuss word in his presence, and it was when he stubbed his toe. He literally apologized the next second. Chowder takes a gulp of whatever he’s drinking, and continues.

“Look, I don’t owe it to you to explain shit. You’re a goddamn adult with access to books and the internet. You know that this is so not about you, right? No one gives a shit what you think is normal hockey culture. That’s not what we do here. And I don’t want it to be. I came here specifically because it seemed like I could get away from all that. I said that shit too, made offensive comments, called people bad names, all because I wanted to fit in. If I thought I was gonna have to do that here, I wouldn’t have fucking enrolled.” Chowder drains his cup, and tosses it down into the yard. If it had been Will, and Nurse were here, he would have been chewed out for littering. But Will knows there will be yard clean up, and he wouldn’t have said anything anyway, so he stays silent. In his nearly two months of being here, most of that time spent with Chris Chow as his de facto best friend, he has never seen Chris so upset.

“And it’s not just the smack talk shit. It’s all the arguments with Nurse. I know he can be a shithead sometimes. Me and Nurse disagree on hundreds of things. But I never, ever would call out his financial upbringing as- like, a weapon, in an argument. And just because you never “felt your privilege” or whatever shit, doesn’t mean that he didn’t feel his lack of it. Yeah he’s got rich parents. But so do I, Dex. And so does Jack, and Shitty. How come you only ever give Nursey shit about it? Do you think he doesn’t deserve to be here? Don’t answer that. He does. Just like me, and just like you. I don’t call him preppy or pretentious. If I complain about studying, he doesn’t bring up my parents being able to pay my tuition if I lose my scholarship. And you wouldn’t either! So why do you do it with him? Why only Nurse, huh?”

Will’s defensiveness surges once more from where it had been lying dormant, shocked into submission by this nearly unbelievable lecture from Chowder. “Chowder, I’m not- Look, you know I don’t think less of him-”

“I think you do. Maybe not because of his skin color, at least not consciously. But you sure are judgmental about money, and more with him than you ever are with me.” Chowder sighs and stays silent. But Will doesn’t know if he should even respond. So he stays quiet too.

“Just… listen Dex. I don’t always like our teammates attitudes. I rarely like the other teams’ attitudes. But I don’t say offensive shit, because it’s just rude and unnecessary. That’s not good sportsmanship. You don’t need to be crass to wrangle a bunch of jocks. That shouldn’t be how a team works. If it was, I wouldn’t be here. And you know what Dex? If I had come on the tour last year and been met with a bunch of upperclassmen like you? Well, I… just. Fuck, Dex. I don’t hate you. But I like you better when you’re not playing hockey. Which sucks, because a lot of time I spend with you is playing hockey. And I want to enjoy all the time I spend with you. You’re one of my best friends.”

“You’re mine, Chowder.” Will’s voice cracks a little. He knows Chowder is being sincere, and way too honest right now. Chris would never say this shit sober, he isn’t confrontational like Nurse. Or, like Will. 

“Good. Look, I kind of killed my buzz and I’m not feeling this anymore, so I’m gonna head back to my room,” he says, wobbling when he stands up.

“Killed that buzz, huh?” Will grunts as he quickly stands to stabilize Chris. They’re on a fucking roof. 

“Killed it enough,” Chris answers, but he smiles at him before climbing back inside. 

Will sits out on the roof longer. His anger is still there, but it’s at a simmer now, instead of a raging boil. And it’s mostly directed at himself. He really gave the shittiest first impression he possibly could. And he has to be part of this for four years. He can’t afford not to, literally. 

Will already knew he should stop being such an ass. Chowder’s lecture was the nail in the coffin. As Will is considering whether he should apologize to the team, or whether that would be too self-serving, or whether it’s better to just pretend it never happened and be better from here on out, another person climbs out of the window, this one significantly more wobbly. Will immediately hops up to help and notices that it’s Nurse. Nurse is giggly before he turns wild. As he grabs Nurse’s elbow to help him sit, Will wonders who is supposed to be on Nursey-patrol and where they are.

“I wuhs wonderin’ why Chow came downsthairs looking like a kicked puppy,” Nurse slurs, making an obnoxious pouty frown before giggling again. The sound was grating. 

“Yeah. That would be me. Puppy kicker.” Will doesn’t want to fight. Especially when Nurse is drunk. And Will is still tipsy.

“Wow. Least ya own it, bro,” Nurse says, shoulder checking him and laughing louder. 

“You think you’ll remember this tomorrow?” Will asks.

“Well ‘s’not e’ry day that famous William J. Poindexter isn’t yellin’ at me, so it might stick through alls the tub juice,” Nurse says mockingly. Will just sighs. He knows that Nurse has been in the right about most of the arguments, but Will knows that Nurse instigates as much as he does, if not more. He’s just tired. 

“I’m sorry, Nurse. I’ll try to be better,” Will pushes out. He hates himself every second, but he wants to be the bigger person. That strangely quiets Nurse’s giggling and he doesn’t respond immediately. 

“Okie dokie, Dexy.” Will wonders if there’s more to come, but Nurse just sits next to him and stares up at the sky. Their shoulders are brushing together. Will doesn’t know how much time passes, but Nursey does seem to sober up a little. He’s still far beyond tipsy, but he’s calmer now. No giggling.

“Sometimes, Dexy, I jus’ feel so.  _ Tense _ . Like I’mmm... a rubber band. You feel that?”

“Maybe,” Will responds. He considers his anger and how he’s felt for the last few weeks. He’s still tipsy enough that he doesn’t let his pride keep him from appreciating this rare moment of peace with Nurse. 

“What do you feel then? If it’s not, the, like, a rubber band?” Nurse sounds tired. 

“Like boiling water,” Will answers automatically, not knowing that he already had the answer ready. Nurse laughs, and Will turns to glare at him. He’s fucking trying, okay?

“Sorry!” Nurse says, still laughing gently. He’s quiet still. “I’m just imagining you with your cute freckles turning all red and steam coming out of your ears. It’s funny,” he explains, and Will’s heart skips a beat. Nurse called him cute. That… Will didn’t know how it made him feel. And because he didn’t know, he decided on uncomfortable. He scoots a little away from Nurse, and tries not to look at his face when the laugh drops and is replaced by a frown.

“Yeah, well, you have a knack for making it spill over the pot, Nurse,” Will murmurs. Nurse doesn’t look any more hurt than he did when Will scooted away, but Will thinks it was the wrong thing to say. 

“If you try to do better, I will too,” is what Nurse finally says, before getting up and going back inside without saying goodbye. He is far steadier than Will expected him to be. 

* * *

Will genuinely does spend the rest of fall semester trying to be better. He holds his tongue, keeps his chirps strictly in the realm of skill-based-insults for their opponents, and is more encouraging to his own teammates. His psych 101 class did say that positive reinforcement was good. Maybe if Will is nice when they’re nice, they’ll all forget about his first couple months. 

And that actually does… mostly happen. Shitty still corners him less than a week after the kegster, telling him that he’s likes Will’s attitude this week. And not to let it get back to “whatever fuck shit it was before.” 

Will tries to spend more time around the haus. He finds Bitty baking more often than not, and so Will brings his homework to the haus kitchen, not really talking much but letting Bitty prattle on and interacting as necessary to be polite. He likes Bitty. Bitty is calming, despite his energetic personality. It’s like, he sucks up all the negative energy and turns it into southern catch phrases and pies. One day, Bitty asks if he wants to help. So, Will unofficially becomes Bitty’s apprentice in the kitchen.

He apologizes to Chowder. Will doesn’t think he can handle an apology to the whole team, nor does he think that’s appropriate. He just tries to be better, and he thinks the team notices it. They’re happier to see him at kegsters, at the very least. He and Chowder hang out more, and they even spend time with Nurse as a group. Will has still had to interact with Nurse about classes throughout the semester, and he sees him in the dorms, but their arguments are tamer, now. Less personal, more just general annoyance with each other. 

Chowder still looks a bit sad whenever they get into it, but less like a kid watching his divorced parents fight a custody battle. Normal, friendly exasperation. Will hopes so, at least. He wouldn’t call Derek his friend, but they’ve at least cut most of the really bad animosity. Will tries to focus on how good they are on the ice together, and when he wants to get into it with Nurse, he just focuses on hockey. Thinks of a good pass from Nurse, or when Nurse sets him up for a check that changes possession. 

Chowder gets a girlfriend and Will couldn’t be happier for him. Chowder and Farmer are a great pair, and he really likes Caitlin. Though, she does get along better with Nurse. Regardless, the four of them hang out more and more. He still fights with Nurse, but he tries to not do it in front of Chowder. God, they really are like a fucking divorced couple and their kid. 

Going home for Christmas, he is off his guard. He hasn’t been as defensive lately at school, so when he comes home, he isn’t necessarily braced for jumping back into his small-town culture. Hearing Fox News on a constant loop annoys him almost as much as Nurse’s ranting about capitalism. Will might think of himself as conservative, but at least he knows what propaganda is. 

All too quickly, he feels boxed in, like he always did before he left. And Will has considered it, thought on it for days, and he can’t figure out why. He doesn’t necessarily disagree with his family on a ton of stuff, just smaller things, but for some reason he feels so restricted. Despite no breakthroughs on what issues he has with his family, he does notice that when he feels argumentative about something someone in his house says, he shoves it down. He doesn’t typically have the restraint to do that with Nurse. Weird. 

Leaving home with walls newly reconstructed, feeling more closed off than ever, he hugs his dad and kisses his mom on the cheek. They don’t suspect a thing. 

Back at school, he tries to be… “chill” (fuck you, Derek Nurse). But Nurse has a point. He could stand to be more chill. And when he’s chill, Nurse seems more chill, which in turn makes Chowder happy. And Will is certain that both he and Nursey would do just about anything to make Chowder happy. Cait, too, for that matter. But this semester, it’s less like Will's keeping a lid on boiling water and more like he’s just… dissociating. Not really thinking about anything. If he doesn’t think about his opinions on stuff, he won’t be tempted to assert them to Nurse. 

There’s a guy in his sophomore level calculus class that he sits near who starts asking him to study together. His name is David, and Will agrees because he figures he should make friends from somewhere other than hockey at some point. They set up a recurring homework session in the library every Thursday, and Will likes David. He’s calm, doesn’t talk about things other than math or daily life, and easy to be around. 

A few weeks go by with good hockey, some fun kegsters, and good grades. Will is enjoying himself more than he was last semester. Chowder and he grow closer, and Nurse and he grow more… civil. Although, he does feel something ugly in his chest watching Nurse flirt at kegsters. Will didn’t  _ think _ he was homophobic, but maybe his parents had more influence on him than he thought. He clearly had some shit to work through. He shouldn't care if Nurse flirts with girls or guys. Or leaves parties with them. Will got along perfectly well with Bitty, but Bitty doesn’t really flirt, so maybe Will just hasn’t dealt with Bitty’s sexuality as something visible, yet.

So, Will actually does some self-examination. His sociology credit, a seminar, helps. He tries to listen more than he speaks. Which doesn’t help in the participation points department, but probably is better in the self-improvement department. At least his essays more than make up for his low participation. Listening to Nurse chew him out has actually given him some good material to go off of. He tries to figure out why he has any negative feeling at all, and determines that it must be internalized prejudice from his upbringing. God, he feels like a douchebag just thinking those words, but he is determined to be better. So he tries unlearning. And he finds it… easier, than he expected. 

But then… Valentine’s Day happened. Nurse’s birthday was on the holiday, so of course there was a combination birthday and Valentine’s kegster. Nurse spends the night getting hyped up by the team and patrolled by the duo of Ollie and Wicks. Will really tries to ignore the tightness in his chest watching Nurse dance with a crowd.  _ Internalized prejudice _ . He needs to fucking fix himself. Maybe getting shit-faced will help. 

It kind of does, because in the process of getting shit-faced, he hangs out with Chowder and loses sight of Nurse. Farmer got asked to join some of the upperclassmen on the volleyball team on a trip to a high school tournament, where they would be scouting some seniors, so she isn’t around. He and Chowder are way drunker than they have been before, and Will knows he is going to have a stupid hangover tomorrow. In a small corner of his mind, he’s grateful to be away from Nurse and the crowds because he knows he’s too drunk to keep a lid on his words. He’s been doing better, but he can’t afford to screw it all up now. 

So Will happily follows Chowder upstairs, and they sit against the hallway wall with their legs out straight, blocking the hall. No one comes by though. Chowder, like always, is a chatty and hyper drunk. He isn’t slurring terribly, but Will suspects that his memory will check out any minute. He’s honestly a bit afraid Chowder might puke before the night ends, but for now they both have half-empty cups of tub juice that they’re sipping very slowly, so maybe he’ll be alright. Will is happy to be back to his normal mellow-drunk self, and peacefully listens to Chowder ramble, zoning in and out. It takes him a minute to realize Chowder is asking him a question. 

“Huh?” 

“I said, do you think I’d still love Cait if she was a boy?” Will tries to fend off the fuzz in his brain and get alert enough for this conversation. Not that Chowder is, but Will doesn’t want to let his own internal shit hurt Chowder. His brain feels muddy, but he comes up with what he thinks is a passable answer.

“You guys are like, stupid in love, Chow. And you’ve only been together a couple months. I think you guys are great together.”

“But like, would I still want to have sex with her if she had a dick?” Chowder muses, and Will feels his skin heat up. Why is Chowder choosing him to have this conversation with?

“I mean… if you did, is that… what do you want the answer to be?” Will tries, his thoughts still jumbled and squishy.

“I don’t know Dex, I just want to know! I need to know, Dex. What if I’m bi? I want to be with Cait foreeevverrr,” he says, drawing it out dramatically. “But I don’t want to go my whole life not knowing! I’ve never even kissed a boy!” Chowder sighs dramatically and slumps into Will’s shoulder. 

“Most guys haven’t,” Will offers. 

“But like, how can I say I’m straight if I’ve never tried anything with guys? That’s like when Holster said he didn’t like the apricot jam that Bitty made.” Will feels even more confused. 

“How is… apricots, like, kissing boys?” Will manages to string together a semi-coherent question.

“Because Holtz had never  _ had _ apricots before. He thought they were like pears or something! They’re like little extra sweet peaches, not pears,” Chris explains, like he can’t believe Will doesn’t know this. Will laughs because it’s funny, and Chowder laughs with him. Maybe this is actually good. Exposure therapy. He can get over his weird internal shit by talking about this stuff with Chowder, sunshine boy. Easy enough, right? Chowder continues and Will listens. 

“I just mean, I wonder how Bitty knew he was gay. Should I ask him?” When Chowder leans as if to get up, Will laughs and stops him.

“I don’t think… that’s a good question. For when you’re drunk. Maybe he wouldn’t mind… later. But not now.”

“Hm, you’re probably right.”

“Maybe being this pre- precu- pre _ occupied _ with it Chow, maybe that’s an indicator,” Will chirps, letting the fuzz in his brain loosen him up.

“Oh, that makes sense! But also, what if it’s all just me trying to be part of the ltgc- b, community? Am I just pushing myself in where I’m not supposed to be there?”

“Chowder, you’re not really the type to-” Chris interrupts him.

“Ooh! I should test it out! Cait kissed girls. That’s how she knew. She kissed her volleyball teammate. And I mean, some of the porn I watch has guys in it, but-” Now it’s Will’s turn to interrupt.

“Chowder, I’m happy for you bud, but I don’t need to know about the porn you watch.” Chowder continues like he didn’t hear him.

“-never specifically gay porn, just like, straight porn with a guy in it. But dicks are kind of cool. I mean, I like my dick. Is that gay?” 

Will is not drunk enough for this. Or too drunk. Chowder is on a roll though, clearly perfectly drunk enough to keep going.

“Maybe I should find a threesome video. Take it slow. Maybe a solo guy? I mean I really wish I could just kiss someone like if Cait could turn into a guy for five minutes and I could make out with her, him, I mean, and see-”

“Chow!” Will tries to be soberer than he is. But the fuzz in his brain is still everywhere and it itches. He’s about to do something stupid. Chowder turns to look at him, still talking.

“-if it makes a difference. But I’m happy and I love dating Cait so it’s not like I can just go kiss any guy-”

“What about me?” There it is. 

“But Dex, you’re straight. Like, flannel in the not-gay-way kind of straight.”

Dex breathes, but finds no reasonable thought to stop him from doing this incredibly, stupid thing. His drunk brain manages to shout stupidly at him something like  _ exposure therapy for your homophobia! _ He feels stupid, but he doesn’t stop.

“Didn’t you say the shit about apricots?”

“What about apricots?” Chris asked. “Did you want a snack, Dex?” 

“Focus, Chris.”

“Oh yeah! So like, maybe if I watch porn with-”

“No, no, ah ah, shut up!” Will stammers, putting a hand over Chowder’s mouth to stop him. “No more porn talk, please. I don’t need to know that.”

“Okay. Well what do you want to talk about?”

“You wanted to kiss a guy.”

“Ohhhh. But Cait’s a girl,” Chow says, pouting. 

“Kiss me.”

“But you’re straight.” Will groans. They are both not in any place to be making decisions like this. 

“Chris. I love you and Cait. You’re a great pair. I don’t want to get in between that, ever. So if you want to… find out, if you could maybe be bi, then I’m like, a safe, uh, option. To kiss. If you want to.”

“That… is smart,” Chowder finally says.

“So? Do you want to?” Will is losing whatever drunken nerve he had. This would be his first kiss. Before he can give it too much thought, Chowder smiles, bright like the sun. 

“Enthusiastic yes!” he says, giving Will about fifteen more doubts about this to spiral into, but before his panic fully develops, Chowder leans in to kiss him.

And Will feels… warm. He knows he doesn’t want to date Chowder. So maybe he’s indifferent in that aspect. But his chest feels light and something settles in him. It feels new and foreign, but familiar at the same time. Like he’s been waiting for this feeling, whatever it is. Chowder kisses him sweetly, with no hunger or sexual tension, but just gentle movements of lips and tasteful tongue. In reality, it probably lasts about fifteen seconds. But it simultaneously feels like hours and only a moment. Chowder pulls away with his bright smile again. Will isn’t smiling, but he feels more peaceful than he has in… maybe ever. 

“Wow!” Chowder starts, and Will almost laughs that he can still be so  _ him _ . “I liked that a lot. Still love Cait, though. Just wanna date her. But if she was you, that’s be cool. Or, I mean, if she was a dude. Maybe I’m bi. I think I am! Holy shit, Dex!” Will chuckles and pats Chowder on his shoulder. 

“Happy for you, dude.” And he is. Maybe getting over whatever shit he has about Nurse will be easier than he thought. Internalized prejudice, 0. Will, 1.

“I think I’d be happy to kiss Caitlin for all time forever no matter what. Oh my gosh. I’ve gotta tell her! We can be bi together! I gotta go find her-” he starts to stand up, and Will remembers that she isn’t here but can’t seem to make the words move from his brain to his mouth, but he grabs for Chowder as he stands because Chow looks super fucking unsteady. 

“Dude, Cait’s… she, um, volleyball.”

“What? Ball?” Oh no. Will does not like the sound of Chowder’s voice. Rans rounds the staircase just in time to watch Chris puke all over Will’s shins.

* * *

“You don’t gotta… shit, Rans,” Will croaks, his voice going and staying gone. He’s sat on the side of the tub, with his legs in the bath while Rans sprays the showerhead on his shins. It was this or strip down and walk back to his dorm and immediately start laundry while drunk.

“It’s okay, Dex. Got your back,” is all Rans says. Will… really respects Rans. Rans is a good leader. Will probably is gonna vote for him as captain. 

Rans laughs. “Thanks bud,” he says. Oh shit. Will said that out loud. He’s more careful after that.

While Rans sprays puke off his jeans and Chowder sits slumped against the wall by the toilet with a wet washcloth on his head, Will tries not to think about how gross his legs feel. But not focusing on the grossness lets those ugly feelings about Nurse claw at his chest again. But he’s still too fuzzy to make sense of it. 

When Chowder puked on him, they went to go to the hall bathroom and found Nursey making out with some guy inside. Hands were down pants and it made Will even more nauseous than he had been with puke on his legs. Rans had cheered and chirped him before unceremoniously kicking Nurse out. 

“Sorry, birthday boy, but sick and pukey drunks outrank horny drunks for bathroom privileges.”

Will just seethed and watched Nurse lead the other guy downstairs, holding hands. What was wrong with him? He was thrilled for Chowder but not Nurse? He loved Bitty but couldn’t just be a decent person to anyone else? He fucking sucked. No wonder the team didn’t like him as much as the other frogs. 

Rans got the two of them taken care of and Bitty walked them home. Chowder was no longer his hyper self, but a nauseous and nearly unconscious mess. They went to his room first and Bitty took time to set out a gatorade and painkillers, and tuck Chowder in on his side. Chowder’s roommate is gone somewhere. Will feels this awful longing in his stomach. He… craves the intimacy that Bitty shares so easily. Bitty does that for Chowder because Chowder is his special frog. Will isn’t anyone’s. Maybe Ransom, but he thinks both Ransom and Holster like Nurse better than him. 

Bitty surprises him though. Just like he did with Chowder, he makes Will sit down, removes his shoes and jeans for him, and lays him down. Will is grateful for the millionth time that he has a single. Bitty takes a moment deciding what to do with the jeans. They still smell off but they shouldn’t stain. At least, that what Rans had said. So Bitty tosses them in the hamper and grabs an almost-empty bottle of Febreze and spritzes the pile. Will thinks Bitty will leave then, but he does the same thing he did before, grabbing a drink out of Will’s mini-fridge and putting on the desk next to his head, with some ibuprofen. He pulls Will gently onto his side and brings up the sheet and blanket around his shoulders. That warm feeling he got when he was kissing Chowder is back, but different somehow. Less concentrated in his chest. He feels it all over, down into his toes. He feels  _ loved _ .

Suddenly, Will deflates under all the weight of how he acted first semester. It hits him again like a truck. Bitty… is so fucking  _ nice _ . How? Why can’t Will be like that?

“Why can’t you be like what, honey?” Bitty asks. Fuck. Will is thinking out loud again.

“Nice… like you, Bits. Wanna be like you.” Will already feels embarrassed to be shit-faced, taken care of by teammates, and nearly passed out. But now he’s crying, damn it. He’s never drinking again.

“I’m sure you’ll drink again, hon,” he chirps gently. “And you can be nice… I think you’re nice. I love when you spend time baking with me. And you’re a very nice friend to Chowder. You’re different than you were before, Dex. You’re already nice. And you don’t have to be like me. You just be you, sweet pea. You’re feeling bad right now, you had a bit too much to drink. But you’ll feel better in the morning. Or, probably the next day. But you been treatin’ people good, and they treat you good back. ‘S how life goes. Most of the time.”

Bitty’s voice lulls him closer to being asleep, and Bitty seems to be rambling intentionally. So Will doesn’t fight it. With a sigh, he closes his eyes and thinks he feels a hand on his hair but it’s gone in a second. The light flicks off and the door closes with a  _ snick _ . 

* * *

Chowder, by the grace of a god Dex isn’t sure he believes in anymore, doesn’t try to talk about their kiss. When he finally emerges from the hangover of the century, he comes out as bi to Nurse and Will two days later over brunch. Will eyes him skeptically while Nurse fist bumps him and says “Chill, bro!” Chowder seems to be awaiting Will’s response, as if Will doesn’t already know.

Unfortunately, Nurse notices. “Dude, you have an issue, Dex?” It’s accusing. But Will really doesn’t want to fight anymore. Whatever emotional shit storm happened on Valentine’s Day really got Will thinking that he was long overdue for some real personal development. Not just some sociology seminar or hanging out with Bitty to get over his internalized shit. He has an appointment set up with a school counselor for later this afternoon, and he’d like to not go in after a fight.

“Of course not!” Will quickly schools his voice to be less defensive sounding. “I’m happy for you, Chris. Really. Does Cait know?” He even smiles, a rarity for Will when he isn’t drunk or in a celly on the ice. It’s tense, and Nursey doesn’t look convinced, but he doesn’t push it. He does chirp Will for being the “token straight frog,” though, and Chowder immediately sighs with relief and begins talking about how amazing Caitlin was and how happy they are, and the rest of brunch passes like any other hangout, and Will decides that he could never deserve a friend like Chowder, who doesn’t make him talk things out. Who keeps stuff to himself, and just moves on when it’s clear that Will isn’t ready for that. 

Chowder really is the best of all of them.

And the semester presses on. Will does well in school and hockey, avoids any deep conversations with his family, goes to the school counselor (with Caitlin walking him over for moral support on the first day), and barely fights with Derek. They even have a movie night with Chowder, who is fucking ecstatic about it. Will bakes with Bitty, does shit around the haus gunning for Ransom and Holster’s dibs next year, since Jack and Shitty have already given theirs away. Chowder’s gonna live in the haus as a sophomore. Just like Bitty.

Easter break is short, thanks to hockey. Will knows he should feel worse about not going home, but he’s really just grateful he doesn’t have to sit in church. 

He finds out his dorm assignment for the next semester, and lets out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding when he gets another single. This one is a suite though, sharing a bathroom with someone. Whatever. He’ll be fine. Sharing with one person is better than the communal bathrooms, for sure. 

The season ends, and it feels like shit. But when Shitty comes up to him a week before graduation and randomly hugs him, Will feels that warm, peaceful feeling again. 

“Not that I don’t… but, what was that, Shitty?” He’s hesitant. And he didn’t really want the hug to end. But he won’t make it weird. Touch-starved. That’s something he learned in the college counseling center.

“I’m just proud of you, bro. I know this year was rough. Your a great guy, Dex. You could make a pretty sw’awesome leader next year. Whip the new frogs into shape,” Shitty remarks. Will thought he felt pride before he got to Samwell. But that was ugly pride. The kind that kept him from being open to change. Now, he feels a different pride. He knows Shitty is telling the truth. And Will is glad to be where he is, now. 

He has one final meeting with the counselor before graduation for the seniors, but he unfortunately has to move out before the big day. Stupid underclassmen dorm rules. His stuff is all packed and he rolls out tomorrow. But sitting in the counselor's office today, he thinks about the question.

_ What do you think of you now?  _ The counselor knows all about his self-loathing. And it’s a work in progress, but he’s being kinder to himself. 

“I think I’m… finally starting to be my own person. I don’t really know who it is, though.”

“Is it different than who you were coming in to school this year?”

“Yes… and no. I’m still me. But then I was like, small-town guy determined to be shitty to his team because he didn’t fit in. And now, I’m not so shitty… and I kinda fit in better. But my whole life since I was a kid… I was this stubborn asshole. And now I don’t want to be.”

“Asshole isn’t a personality trait,” Phil reminds him. 

“Yeah, yeah, behavior not personality.” Phil laughs. “I just… every time I think about going home, I think I’m fitting in less there. The more I fit in at home, the less I fit in here, and the more I fit in here, the less I fit in at home. And I’m about to spend three months home.”

“Are you afraid of spending time at home?”

“Maybe just… I’m afraid of fitting in at home again. Because then what if I come back to school and start acting like an asshole again?”

“I think you should have a little more confidence in yourself, Will.” 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I’ve never met a student so intent on changing themselves in the good way that you have, Will. You work at this stuff like it’s your damn job. You kept a journal even though I’d bet my salary that you didn’t like that idea at first, probably thought it was embarrassing. You stop those negative thoughts like their hockey pucks heading for your goalie. You force yourself to dive in, head first, into topics where most people would have to work through a lot of guilt and shame before they could really grow.”

“Guess I kinda do… get intense.”

“Like in hockey, right? And classes. You’re a hard worker, Will. I don’t think you have to worry about slipping back into someone you don’t want to be. But also, keep in mind, that somehow someway, that is still you. And maybe those two periods of your life… you can find some peace between them. Relax a little. Chill.”  _ Ugh.  _ He never will escape the enigma that is Nursey, huh? But Will does know that Phil is right. And he starts thinking about his family.

“My family is… not hateful. They just, have their beliefs. And I guess, for a long time I thought I shared them? But I was more lax about some stuff. I just didn’t speak up. And I couldn’t figure out why I shut down around them so much easier than I did here, in those first few months. But I think… maybe I was testing boundaries. And I almost hit them here. But I don’t want to test boundaries at home. So I’m worried… not saying stuff, or being the way I want to be, that might get stressful.”

“Do you feel safe with your family?”

“Of course,” Will responded instantly. And it wasn’t a lie.

“And your family loves you.”

“Definitely.”

“You guys may not be super close, and having different beliefs can be hard. But when you find it difficult, take a step back and breathe. Don’t be afraid to take space when you need it.”

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s… That’ll be good.”

“And I know you said that you guys do hug, but maybe, hug them a little more often. If you’re comfortable with that. Physical affection might make it easier to move past the mental differences, or you might feel less bad when you do need space.” Will nods. He never liked being… touchy-feely with his family. But his family wasn’t repressed or anything. He always hugs his parents goodbye, even his dad. He kisses his mom on the cheek. But every since he got to be a bigger kid, he stopped wanting to cuddle and dance and be goofy or hold their hands. And they stopped trying, when he entered his teen years. 

They still hug him or touch him occasionally, but after his kiss with Chow and then Bitty tucking him in, Will realized how starved he was for affection. He started finding it with the frog gang. Chowder and Farmer hugged him more, and even Nurse would find contact that was comfortable. Sitting with shoulders together to watch Netflix or study, a hip check here and there. Bitty did the same thing in the kitchen when they baked, and started offering more hugs, too. Will doesn’t have a clue how they all noticed, but it seemed like a coordinated effort to  _ give Dex all the physical contact. _

And on the topic of of his kiss with Chow, Phil asks next, “And what about the other stuff we have talked about? How are you doing with the ‘internalized prejudice’ you told me about?” Phil puts air quotes around it, but only because Will had done that when he described it for the first time.

“Better… the bad feelings, are gone. It’s just… neutral now. Or, like, I’m happy for everyone.”

“But Derek Nurse is the only one who brought those feelings up for you?”

“Well… yeah, I guess.”

“Any thoughts on why that might be?” 

“Probably because I hated him so much at first. But now we’re chill,” Will offers, using Nursey’s vernacular. “And we’re suitemates next year, so that’s... good.” Phil smiles. Will thinks the session is finished, and with a few final remarks, it is.

“I’m really proud of you, Will. If you need anything this summer, you just email, alright?”

“Definitely. And… thank you. For everything. I’ll… come back in the fall, probably. Definitely.”

“I look forward to it.” They wrap things up, Will signs a form about summer email contact, and then Phil waves as Will walks out of the building. Things are looking up. He’s excited for sophomore year. Will walks back to his room with a little extra pep in his step.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chowder is bitty's, Nursey is Holster/Lardo's (and also Jack's and Shitty's), but Dex belongs to Ransom. Year two at Samwell for Dex, and huge new developments. Nursey says "lol" out loud (pronounced like the first syllable of lollipop) and it's only like 5% to get on Dex's nerves. Also, it happens off-page in this, but i pushed bitty/jack's coming out to the upperclassmen gang a little later, let's say around february/march. will isn't there for it, just the canon group. rans and holster find out accidentally in december. and lastly, the book dex receives for christmas is based obviously on Check Please, but like, if it were actually helpful baking info as well as cute college story.

Will comes home a totally different person than he was last summer. And at first, that makes him optimistic. Dare he say, positive. But quickly, things go sort of numb. Will supposes that’s better than defensive and angry. Sometimes he feels it creeping up. His parents say things that they’ve always said, but Will guesses he appreciates more now how ignorant some of it is. But it’s never outright nasty, so he just breathes and takes space, like Phil told him. He works on his uncle’s boat all summer and runs on the beach a lot. It’s hard and it hurts and he never liked it before, but it gets him in amazing shape. He hits the rink at least twice a week, and stays so busy that his parents don’t completely drive him insane. 

And he does hug them more. He thinks they notice what’s up, because they start doing like Chowder and Nurse and Cait had been in the spring, with the casual touches and contact. He stays busy enough that skyping with the frogs is a little rarer than he’s like it to be, what with Chowder being in California and Cait being all over, and Nursey and Will having little reason to skype just the two of them. In June he sends Chowder and Cait a little gif with bi colors and wishes them happy pride. Nurse actually starts initiating more conversations over snapchat and text around then, too. Will thinks that he and Nurse will actually get along this year, which is good. They will be sharing a bathroom after all.

They talk some about logistics for the suite. They’ll each have their own room, so they each have a mini-fridge, but Will doesn’t have any gaming systems, just an old-ish TV he can connect to his laptop with an HDMI cord. Nurse offers his own game systems as shared, and Will can’t help but feel that same warm feeling from before. He and Nurse are gonna be alright.

His nerves about going back to school dissipate when he realizes that even after two months at home, his growth is all still there. It’s validating. He knows that “liberal education” isn’t the brainwashing that his family thinks it is, but it still scared him to think that maybe he only changed his behavior and beliefs because of the people around him. So it’s good to know, that wasn’t the case. If anything, being around his family and town again with this new perspective pushes him further from his old views. 

His brother complains about the person at his job who uses they/them pronouns, and constantly misgenders them. Will doesn’t quite understand that one fully, but Cait did school him on the basics back in May and Will’s understands that his brother is just being a jerk. His dad complains about Ms. Johnson down the street, who is pregnant again despite already being on some financial support programs. Mr. Johnson works on another fishing boat and knows Will’s uncle really well, but Uncle Ted never really talks about the Johnsons. And Will’s mom complains about how the high school changed their “Christmas Dance” to a “Winter Ball” after Will graduated. 

So much complaining. Will feels like he has an out-of-body experience one day when he thinks, during one of the “war on Christmas” loops,  _ just chill, for fucks sake _ . Oh god. He’s turning into Nursey. One day he’ll start wearing socks and birkenstocks and saying “lol” unironically. That’s nightmare fuel, right there. 

So anyway, he’s a very different guy at the end of this summer than he was at the end of last. But he still isn’t quite on Nurse’s level of life philosophy, or political opinions, and that’s enough fuel for the less-hostile arguments that take up their first few weeks of living in the suite. Nurse doesn’t seem to be genuinely upset at him for what he thinks, and he tries to be open-minded. He does truly disagree with Nurse on some stuff, still. But so does Chowder. So he thinks it’s alright.

Those first few weeks are stressful, but so much better than last year that Will hardly notices. The team actually wants him around and makes a point to let him know. Bitty wants him to bake all the time. Rans and Holster rope him into some drill planning with them. He helps fix stuff around the haus without being asked or even talking about dibs, and when Lardo points out that he doesn’t have to, he says he wants to. She gives him a funny smile but leaves him to repair the hall closet that is full of broken shelves and has a door that won’t shut.

Will also becomes better friends with David. They have another math class together, and their physical education gen ed class (which is stupid as fuck, in their opinions, seeing as they’re both on D1 athletic teams). They’re taking basketball, and they’re both really bad at it other than being physically fit, which at least makes class kind of fun. Will finds out that David’s on the swim team, one of the lesser-known groups in Samwell athletics, but not a shabby team by any means. It’s actually two teams, men and women, but they practice together and have all their meets at the same time and share busses. The men’s team came 3rd in their conference last year, according to David. The women’s team got 2nd.

So he is doing well socially, and hockey is great, school is hard but good. Sophomore year seems to be going well. After they exhaust some more nuanced philosophical debates, Will figures that he and Nurse have to direct their conflicting energy somewhere, and that ends up being the bathroom. Nurse leaves his hair everywhere and gets water all over the sink. Will apparently takes up too much space on the counter with his “skincare shit.” 

“It’s like three bottles! What’s it bothering you?

“But you took the side of the sink with the counter space! All I have room for is a toothbrush.”

“What else do you even need?”

“I could put my skin stuff on the counter, too, but no-”

“Nurse, your skin stuff is just face lotion. I know you wash your face with bar soap.”

“How dare you.”

“Jesus, you tell me all the time that you just wash your face in the shower anyway! So why does it matter?”

“Because maybe I want to wash my face at the sink, too?”

“Is that a question or an answer?”

“Fuck off, Dex. You could wash your face in the shower, too!”

Will groans and shoots back, “I do, Nurse. I wash it in the shower in the morning and at night before bed. We’ve been over this.”

“Well maybe I’ll start leaving my retainer on your side of the counter, since it won’t fit by my toothbrush cup-”

“Jesus Christ.”

“Jesus would share his counter space, Dex.”

“I don’t care what Jesus would do, Nurse.”

“Oh. That’s sur… wait, are you just saying that because we’re arguing?” Nurse gets distracted and Will just sighs.

“We can’t all have perfect skin, Nursey,” he says, trying to finish the argument. It works.

“You think I have perfect skin?” Nurse chirps. Will doesn’t smile, but he doesn’t glare, either. 

“Unfairly so,” he deadpans. “How do you not get acne?”

“I’ll tell you all my secrets, Dexy.” And then they hang out. Will does homework and Nurse rambles, occasionally getting homework done, too. That’s how it goes many nights in fall semester, with a diverse cast of conflicts, but none so hurtful as anything last year. Nurse stays up later than Will and does more of his work at night, but since the bathroom is between them, it works out. They’re kind of a good pair for this arrangement, Will starts to think.

He notices a lot about Nursey this year. Like how he stays up late, and gets good grades but constantly looks stressed about everything. And how he gets drunk less often. Sometimes at kegsters he swears Nurse has water in his cup, but he never quite catches him. He also is less flirty at parties. Which is both a relief and a disappointment. Will really feels like he could finally be a more supportive friend and play wingman some, but he’s more than happy to not have to deal with any of that at all.

He also notices more about his friend David. David comes to a few kegsters and even some hockey games. He’s fun to be around and really smart. And Will figures that he should return the kindness by going to a swim meet. And David is like, really muscular. He’s shorter than Will, but stockier. Which seems a little backwards, to Will. Like, shouldn’t the hockey player have more bulk? He thought swimmers were supposed to be slim or something. Nurse would know a good word for it. Like  _ lithe _ . Anyway, skating has made Will more buff than not, but it balances out because he’s lanky and six foot two. Even a lanky guy over six feet is still strong enough to bust ass in hockey. But he is kind of shocked to see David’s uncovered form so… thick. He has a really broad chest and shoulder, big thighs, and his back is unreal. Swimming defines and emphasizes muscles that Will knows he has, but that never show so clearly because hockey just doesn’t do it like that. And turns out that hockey butt and swim butt are not dissimilar. 

So Will kinda really likes going to swim meets now. He doesn’t bring the guys with him because he knows he will get chirped. The team never goes to the pool unless the trainers make them go for stuff like physical therapy. They joke that they can only swim when the water is frozen. But Wicks had to go four times a week when he strained his quad, and Tango actually swam in high school as a dual-athlete. So maybe Tango would get it, but Will doesn’t invite him because Tango can’t keep his mouth shut and Holster and Nurse would never stop giving him grief for willingly watching people “race each other in a way that slows them down instead of speeds them up.”

Will thinks it is genuinely exciting to watch David race. He’s really graceful in the water. He showed up once while Will was doing some water therapy set by the athletic trainers after twinging his knee in practice, and David neglects his own workout to bother Will. Will gives up on his calisthenics and water-jogging to splash back at David, and they splash and push each other under the water and laugh. David eventually tries to teach him actual swim strokes. Will was  _ not _ prepared for how hard butterfly is. He figured all the strokes were like, similar difficulty but different motions. David makes fun of him but in a nice way. It really makes Will reconsider just how fucking  _ strong _ David must be to make butterfly look so smooth and easy.

And Will starts to feel extremely, extremely confused.

Towards Thanksgiving, someone in his hometown comes out as gay. It was some kid who was a freshman when Will was a senior. But he sees on facebook that the kid is looking for a place to stay. And that seems… ominous.

He calls his mom. He doesn’t want to  _ discuss  _ the kid exactly, because he doesn’t know how his mom feels about it and doesn’t want to get into a disagreement, but he does want to know what happened. And for better or worse, his mom is a bit gossipy. So with only minor prompting, he learns that Ben didn’t actually come out, he got  _ caught _ . And his parents kicked him out. Which is illegal since Ben’s underage, Will thinks, but doesn’t say. He doesn’t really think he can do anything from here. He is glad to hear from his mom that she and his dad don’t approve. She says it’s such a shame that those parents can’t love their boy better and “do what God put them here to do.” Will guesses that means take care of their kid. And yeah it actually makes him very angry. 

He knows Ben’s family is all into church and stuff, and sure church doesn’t always believe in pro-gay stuff but at least love thy neighbor and all that. Love thy fucking son. Will’s anger scares him a bit, and he smoothly let’s his mom go before heading back to his room to stew for a bit. He’s a little short with Nurse, but Nursey just lets him be, this time. Which is nice. But it makes Will antsier. 

Instead of being sharper on the ice thanks to his heightened energy, he’s really just tense and distracted. David and Ben and his family all bounce around in his head. And Rans asks him about it, because others have noticed. And, some of those self-deprecating thoughts come back, like how he isn’t anyone’s special frog and all of his teammates may love him, but they like each other more than they like him. But he… lets those thoughts lie for a bit, in favor of opening up to Rans. He tells him about Ben, and how hypocritical Ben’s family is being, and how others in town are just not saying anything even though they all fucking go to church and talk about love and welcoming people and shit like that. They sit on the bench in the locker room after practice one day, and Rans just listens to him vent for a while. It eventually gets into more than just the topic of Ben.

“-and it’s like, my whole life, I’ve been independent. And that’s always been a good thing. My parents used to say shit like they were glad I thought for myself and they liked that I was critical because it would make me a better person. But now, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around them. It’s not like I  _ can’t  _ disagree with them, but I can’t be totally honest, because- for some reason, I don’t know…” he can’t find the words.

“I got you, Dex. Take your time,” Rans encourages him. 

“It’s like, my whole life, I’ve been praised for being a free thinker and an independent kid. Those were good things. But they weren’t even really true. I was just spitting out beliefs that my parents and neighbors and the church already had, but with aggressive arguments to back it up. I was defensive. And they thought that was good, that I was critical and smart for all that. But it wasn’t. It was apologetics.”

Rans nods, looking like he actually gets it. Will feels like he might be on the verge of articulating whatever this dissonance is for the first time.

“But now… it’s like, there this  _ looming _ feeling. Like, my parents always encouraged me to think ‘freely’ or whatever, but now… if I come to the wrong conclusions… it’s not me.”

Now Rans looks a little confused. “What do you mean, it’s not you?”

“Like, when I had the right thoughts, I was a free thinker. But now that I have the wrong opinions, it’s not me that’s thinking for myself and coming to these conclusions. It’s liberal college and democrat snowflakes being bad influences on me, or something.”

“Have your parents every actually said that to you?” Rans looks a little incredulous, but he is taking this seriously.

“Not to me. But I hear them talk about other people in my town who got out and move on to bigger things and places. I don’t know if they would apply that same logic to me, being their son and all maybe they’d not make that assumption, but I’m afraid to be honest about the things I think and believe around them, because, well, they might react like that. And that would just feel like shit.”

“Yeah, it sounds like it would,” Rans agrees. He tosses his arm around Will, and Will tries his best not to melt into it. He does relax noticeably, though, and Rans squeezes his shoulder. “That makes sense to be afraid of that. My family might be, like, not from small-town Maine, but I think I get what you mean.”

“You do?”

“A little. It’s not the same, but my parents kind of have that idea too. But instead of liberal college it’s more like, American culture. We’re Canadian and Nigerian, so when I start thinking or acting more like an American, they probably have a similar reaction. Like it might not be me, but some undue influence. But even if it is undue influence, I don’t think it’s a bad thing. For me, at least. I don’t lose my Canadian-ness or Nigerian-ness for being more American, I just get to, like, add. To me. Add on to what I’ve got.”

“You still say ‘eh’ and pronounce your sorry’s weird, so I definitely don’t think you lose any Canadian-ness,” Will chirps him, and Rans laughs, but stays mostly serious.

“But for you, it’s probably scarier because it does feel like you’re losing something. Like, your old belief system or your parent’s validation or something.”

“Huh. Yeah, you kinda got me there,” Will states. Rans helped him put words to it. That validation that he’s had for so long feels… conditional. Like there’s a risk of it going away if he doesn’t believe the right things anymore.

“I don’t know how all this translates to you being more skittish on the ice, but do you at least feel a little better for having talked it out?” Rans asks. And it hits Will once again that his friends care about him beyond just being useful on the ice. Rans would have had this conversation with him just to make him feel better, even if it had nothing to do with his hockey.

“Yeah, actually. I do feel better. I’ve never been able to explain that feeling before, and it’s a relief to have words for it.”

“I get that.”

“You’re a really good captain, Rans. And…”

“And?” Rans pushes with a smile. Will doesn’t want to get chirped for being sappy. But he’s “in his feels” as Bitty might say. Or as Phil the counselor might say, “being emotionally mature and open.”

“Just. You’re a really good friend. And I know it. Like, I’m aware that you’re my friend, not just because of me being good at hockey or helpful. And you’re a good friend because… because you, well, because I can tell. Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell. That people are my friends… just because. But, I can tell that I’m not just useful to you. I’m… your friend.” Will feels stupid and he’s certain that Nurse or Bitty could have found words a million times better than his, but his counselor has been telling him to stop associating embarrassment and stupidity with emotional vulnerability. Will figures if he tries enough the links will fade some day.

Rans sniffs, and Will whips his head to the side and finds Rans with tears in his eyes. Shit.

“Ransom, I’m sorry, I don’t- I didn’t, um,” Will trails off, but Ransom squeezes him righter. 

“Do you fix stuff around the haus to feel useful, Dex?” Rans whispers.

“Sometimes. But now it’s more just that I like to be there. And I like fixing stuff,” Will answers honestly.

“We don’t just like you ‘cause you’re useful, Dex.” Rans is looking down at the ground now, and Will feels like he screwed up. He just wanted to like, affirm Ransom, or whatever and now he’s caused all this shit. “You’re a good friend, too. And a good leader.” Will looks down too, not quite believing it but grateful for the positive turn in Ransom’s voice. Rans notices his hesitation.

“No, you are a good leader. I saw in lift the other day, when me and Holtzy were fighting over the last fourteener for med ball abs, you grabbed an eighteen. And everyone else had twelves or fourteens. And then, Whiskey looked at you, and put away his fourteen and grabbed an eighteen. That’s leadership, Dex, even if it doesn’t need words.”

“Hm,” Dex hums.

“And you’re supportive. Whatever the fuck is up Bitty’s ass this year,” Will flinches at Ransom’s harsh wording and tone but it’s kinda true, “you make him calmer and more relaxed. You can get Chowder down from his school panic. You and Nursey are actually friends now, and that’s fucking fantastic. You wake up Tango when he falls asleep on a book and make him go to bed. You spent half a night catching volleyballs for Cait last week so she could work on serves when Chowder was tired after that bad match she had. You help me and Holtzy come up with drills and plays when we’re too tired to think, and I’ve never once heard you take credit. You take care of people. And I don’t want you to think that all that is the only reason why we want you around, but we do see it, Dex. You aren’t just a handyman or a useful player. You’re our friend.”

They’re both silent for a few moments. But Will feels it again. That warm fluttery feeling of being loved and wanted. It’s starting to stick around longer and longer, whenever he’s around his team or Cait, or even his family to some extent.

“I kissed Chowder,” Will blurts out, and slaps a hand over his mouth with an audible  _ smack _ , his chin and lips stinging with the impact. A single, amazingly long second passes before Rans gives voice to Will’s internal dialogue: 

“WHAT THE FUCK?”

“We were drunk! We were absolutely shit-faced, that night that he puked on me- Valentine’s Day, it was before he puked- no! Stop thinking whatever you’re thinking, he didn’t puke because of the kiss, but whatever, he was rambling, and talking about porn and apricots and not shutting up- He thought he might be bi, and I wanted to get over whatever homophobia issue I had with Nurse, and I wasn’t making good decisions, and I fucking let him kiss me!” The words tumble out of Will like an avalanche.

“Why are you telling me this  _ now _ ?” Rans asks with flailing arms. He is now standing and pacing, his face somewhere between laughter and panic. He focuses for a moment and turns back to face Will to ask “Wait, what homophobia issue? Like the stuff about saying pussy earlier last year?”

“No, no, I got over that shit, I mean like, when I used to get so mad that he was flirting and hooking up with guys.” Rans looks supremely confused and squints at him, but Will ignores it. “And I told you because, well, we were being all vulnerable and shit! And now…”

“Oh, Dex, please tell me you don’t have a crush on Chow…”

“No! No, definitely not. I don’t. But like. I may. Um, have a crush on my friend David.”

“David? That swimmer you hang with?” Ransom’s panic recedes a bit, and a familiar mischievous look appears in its place.

Will answers in a very small voice. “That’s the one.”

“Ho-ly  _ shit _ Dex! He is sex on legs! And I haven’t even seen him in his speedo, dear god. Wait. You’ve gone to swim meets! Oh my god, you’ve gone to fucking swim meets, the slowest racing sport out there. You’ve seen his butt in a speedo… I need to lie down.”

Will laughs. The antics are dramatic, but Rans did manage to calm him down enough for him to chirp, “No stealing my crushes, Rans. And they swim faster than you’d think.”

Rans laughs and reaches out to pull Will up, and hugs him. “No worries bro,” he says at the back of Will’s head. “I’m glad you told me. I am  _ never _ gonna stop chirping your for this.”

Will chuckles again, but then does kind of get serious again. The two of them start walking out of the locker room together. It’s gotten dark since practice ended.

“I mean… I don’t mind the chirping. But maybe… keep it just between us for now?”

“Course, Dex. I got your back. But you know the team wouldn’t treat you any different, right?” Will notices that Rans automatically turns away from the direction of the haus and instead towards Will’s dorm. 

“Yeah, I know. But like, I haven’t even gone into full gay panic mode yet. I don’t know if I’m… anything. I’ve never even dated anyone. Chowder was literally my first ever kiss. And at the time I totally thought I was straight, even after the kiss. I don’t know if I still like girls. Or if I ever liked them.”

“I thought I was straight when I kissed Holtzy for the first time,” Rans offers, and now it’s Will’s turn to freak out on him and chirp. After they calm down again, he finds out that they aren’t actually dating, just kind of best-friends-with-occasional-benefits, but Will is suspicious. Rans gets a little wistful when he talks about it, but quickly covers. 

“It’s just a little fun, started at a kegster sophomore year, and we’re gonna graduate this year so we both agree it’s better not to start something now just for it to end in a few months.”

“Maybe it’d be worth it,” Will says. A more somber mood falls over them, but it isn’t bad. Just… melancholy. Nurse ranted about that word last week. And how it was way better than “sad,” but too pretentious to say in casual conversation.

“Maybe,” is all Rans says back. They’re silent for the rest of the walk to Will’s dorm, and Rans leaves with one final shoulder-squeeze and another “Got your back, Dex.”

When Will is settled at his desk and can barely focus on studying, he decides to text David. 

* * *

After finals, they have their last mid-morning hockey practice before winter break. David texted Will to let him know that he is waiting outside Faber, which is strange. He thought David left for home yesterday. Out front, Will breaks off from Chowder and Nurse, who barely notice him leave, as engrossed as they are in some conversation about Die Hard. David and he start walking in the other direction, taking a roundabout way to the haus that they’ve walked before. Will needs to pick up his toolbox before he heads home.

After a few minutes of just chatting, they turn onto the nearly deserted path around the pond to get back to the haus. They’re quiet for a minute or two, just enjoying the sun and snowy pond scene, when from somewhere in his jacket, David pulls out a little book and hands it over. 

“I figured you wouldn’t mind I didn’t wrap it,” he says sheepishly. Will barely registers the words. The book in his hands is small, but thick and has a shiny cover.  _ 501 Baking and Cooking hacks, tips, and tricks _ . But it looks like a comic book. A quote on the front says “Actual practical knowledge wrapped in hilariously heartwarming story.”

“I know that’s not your main thing, and all, but you talk about cooking with Bittle a lot, and you brought those cookies to my meet the other week, and I thought you might like it.” David rambles a bit while they walk up through the trees behind the haus. It’s still so bright with no leaves on the trees and the sun reflects on the snow that is still on the ground from earlier this week. “I read it, I mean. After I bought it. But I got it for you! I just wanted, to like, be sure it wasn’t awful. And it’s not. It’s got, like funny little characters and comics… one of the characters is a lax bro, but I still think you’ll enjoy it. He’s like, the himbo kind of lax bro. Not the no-homo asshole kind. There’s a hippie nature guy, a girl who’s kinda like Gretchen Weiners but nice, and another character who is big into mechanical stuff and technology, and they kinda look like you. I just found it at the bookstore last week. It’s no big deal, just something fun.” He’s  _ nervous _ , Will realizes.

“I didn’t get you anything,” Will mumbles, feeling embarrassed.

“You totally didn’t have to! I swear, I wasn’t like, looking for this or planning or whatever, just saw it and thought of you. And maybe you’ll hate it, I’ve never actually seen you reading comics or graphic novels, so I don’t even know if you- I mean, you have books, in your room on that shelf, but like, I just-”

And Will kisses him. 

And David kisses him back. And Will smiles, making it harder to kiss, but David smiles too. 

Then Will’s phone rings. They break apart and laugh. 

“Sorry. That kind of ruined the moment, huh?”

“Nah,” David said kindly. “You gonna pick up?” 

“Guess so.” Will sees Ransom’s name on the screen. They just left practice, though, so he has no clue what Ransom might need. He hits  _ Answer _ , brings the phone up to his ear and promptly drops it when a screech assaults his ear.

“FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINEEEEEEEEEEEEE.”

Will whips his head around to peer through the trees and see, yep, Ransom’s face pressed up against the back window of the attic. David laughs even harder. 

“Fine culture is crazy, dude. I’m glad swim doesn’t have it, but it kinda seems fun.”

“You know what’s more fun?” Asks Will, feeling open and fun and a little bit crazy. And he tugs David back into a kiss, while holding up a middle finger towards the attic window of the haus. There’s laughter coming from the phone on the ground. 

They pull apart once more and Will finally picks the phone up and hangs up the call. Rans is gonna chirp him for weeks. 

* * *

Will is having one hell of a Christmas break. For starters, he just kissed a guy. And exactly one person in his life knows about it, other than said kissed guy. And it’s driving him a little insane to  _ not _ talk about it. But also the idea of talking about it scares him, not just with his family, but with anyone. 

But secondly, it’s New Years Even and he’s heading to a party tonight with some of his (admittedly, not very close) high school friends. But earlier in the afternoon, he took a walk on the beach to call David. And he just unintentionally got David’s  _ blessing _ or whatever to kiss a girl. It was the most stressful phone call of his life and a poetically tragic parallel to the conversation Chowder had with him last Valentine’s Day. 

“So you never kissed a girl?” David asked him five minutes into the call.

“Nope. First kiss was this past spring. With a guy. I still thought I was straight even after that, but now I think I’m probably not.”

“Well I certainly hope not, Poindexter,” David teased. He sounded almost like Nursey, the way he said  _ Poindexter _ . Will laughed. “So in high school were you just ugly? Because I can’t picture it, you’re too gorgeous now.” Will laughed louder and felt embarrassment swirl in him, but not the bad kind. Nurse would call it  _ bashful _ or something equally tacky. 

“No, just the opportunity never arose. I didn’t date or flirt much in high school. And I recently just had my second kiss, and third, so we’ll see about me not being straight. But the outlook is promising.”

“Hm, I’ll keep that in mind. But anyway, back to girls- so you thought you were straight even after kissing a guy? So, does that make you bi, now? Not that you have to have labels, I’m just curious.”

“I…. don’t know,” Will says. He rarely thinks of girls in any sort of romantic or sexual way. But then again, He’s only thought of David in any non-platonic way very recently, so there isn’t much to compare it too. “Like, I don’t  _ not _ like girls, but like, I haven’t given it much thought. I could be… not, into only guys, I guess.” It’s still hard for him to say labelling words, even just to himself. David doesn’t comment on it.

“Well, is it something you want to find out or are you just, chill with the possibility? Some people don’t bother with figuring it all out specifically.”  _ Chill _ . Even though he tries to focus, he just pictures Nurse making fun of him for this entire conversation. It doesn’t make him angry though.

“I… guess I want to know. But like, I’m okay not finding out if… well, I don’t want to presume-”

“Oh please presume, Will,” David teases more. Will thinks he must be blushing, but it’s hard to tell because he’s currently walking through the snow on the windy beach. What little skin is exposed is so red it probably looks like sunburn. 

“Just, like… I, well, I like you and thought we might, um, date?” There’s silence for a long moment.

“Will, I’d love that,” David says sincerely. Will feels his chest loosen and he lets out breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Chill,” Will says without thinking, and groans at his own choice of word. David laughs.

“Yeah Will… It’s chill. But hey, we only just kissed. You haven’t even taken me to dinner yet. I wouldn’t feel betrayed or anything if you tested the waters at some point.” It takes Will a second to understand what David said. 

His mouth forms half-words and sounds as he stutters out, “You… would, you- I, what?”

“Calm down, man. I didn’t say you should or had to, just like… if that’s something you want to know about yourself before getting into this, I won’t be mad or anything.”

“Oh.” Will doesn’t really know how to respond to that. 

“I hope that was like… not, a bad thing for me to say, I mean. I’m pretty certain I’m gay so I’m not gonna be doing anything like that, if that’s something you were worried about.”

“Oh! No, no I’m not… I just. Didn’t expect that. And I mean it’s not like I have girls around waiting to kiss me. But… uh, I guess, thanks? For being… cool about that.”

“You never know, Will. I hear people are supposed to kiss on New Year’s Eve,” David says, returning to his teasing tone.

“Wish I could kiss you again instead.” Will sometimes shocks himself with good lines. Rans would so hype him up for that, and then fine him.

“Me too, Will. Can’t wait to be back at school. I gotta roll, though, my little sister needs a ride to practice.”

“Tell her have fun,” Will offers. “I’ll, uh, talk to you soon?”

“Yeah. See you soon, Will.” David says before hanging up, and Will can almost hear his smile.

* * *

Later that night, he skypes Chowder. 

“Deeeeex!!!” Chowder isn’t even drunk. He’s just sunny. “Happy new year, bro! What’s up?”

“Happy new year, bud,” Will says back. He tries to sound calm, but in reality he’s panicking. His parents are asleep downstairs, and his brother moved out last month so he’s alone in his room and thinks it’s safe to talk. 

“You seem… stressed. Like, Nursey level stressed. What’s up?”

“I kissed a girl. At a party. And we almost fucked.”

“ _ Oh _ .” Chowders eyes go wide. “Um, congrats?” And suddenly Will remembers that Chowder isn’t Rans and doesn’t know about David. Fuck. Fuck it. 

“And I may… have gotten a boyfriend before leaving school?” 

“ _ What?! _ A boyfriend? Since when are you into guys? What the hell, Dex? Who is it? Wait, is it David? From swim team! I totally knew he was into you but I thought you were just straight and oblivious like you are with- Just, holy crap, is it him? Was I right?” Will ignores the weirder parts of that.

“Yeah. It’s David. We um, we kissed after last practice.” Chowder practically squeals with excitement. “And he got me a Christmas present.” Chowder claps and waves his hands back and forth and his smile is huge.

“Dex! That’s so. CUTE. What was the present?”

“A book. It’s like, college kids who live together and do college shit, but with cooking stuff throughout. That’s why he got it, ‘cause I talked about cooking with Bitty. And it had like, useful tips. I actually kind of can’t wait to show Bitty how much I learned,” Will rambles. 

“That’s precious, Dex. But… wait, you almost had sex with someone else?”

“Oh, it’s not like that… he actually, well, not encouraged but basically gave me permission. Which was extremely, extremely weird. But like we only kissed once and haven’t really started dating, we just both want to when we get back to school.”

“But why did you even… You aren’t really the type to wheel at parties. Not that you couldn’t, I just, didn’t really think you did that.”

“It was more like, when I was talking to David before hand, he asked if I was bi. And I actually didn’t know? Because, I’ve only kissed guys. I didn’t know if I liked girls. And he said if I got the opportunity to try and wanted to find out, before we got like,  _ together _ together, he wouldn’t be mad.”

“Oh. Interesting. That sounds kinda like Cait. But wait, you called me and not him?”

“You’re my best friend, Chris. Also I figured you’d… understand the mental dilemma I’m having.” 

“Hm, I mean yeah. That was how I felt about guys, like I wasn’t sure because I hadn’t tried. But I figured it out eventually.” Will can’t figure out why Chowder seems to be… skating around their kiss, but if he doesn’t want to bring it up, then neither will Will. 

“Yeah… you did. But like, I kinda have to ask. Do they feel different to you? Like your attraction to girls and guys?”

“I dunno. In theory, no? But my attraction to Cait is kind of front and center. But like, we watch porn together with all genders and it’s fun.”

“God, you are way too open about porn,” Will groans.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about? But yeah, anyway. I guess to me I like Cait a lot more because I’m emotionally and romantically invested, too. But if I was single I don’t think they’d be that different for me. But for some people it is.”

Will is silent for a second, just thinking about the party.

“Dex? How come? Does it feel different for you?”

“I just… I mean kissing her was fine. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great. And maybe that’s because I didn’t care who she was like I cared with David. But also…” he remembers the peace he felt kissing Chowder even though he wasn’t interested in Chris romantically. And he never felt that with the girl tonight. He skips over it since Chris is being weird about their kiss though. “I just… like, I won’t go into detail, but it just wasn’t all that exciting. And part of me thinks, if she had been David doing those things, it would have been more exciting. But is that because he’s a boy, or because I like him?”

“You liiiikeee him,” Chowder sings. They both laugh quietly. “But… I mean, not to be crass, but when you say “doing those things” I presume you mean touching stuff. And… at least in my experience, the idea of being touched by a guy is just as physically exciting as being touched by a girl. But I also have a more equal preference. Some bi people mostly prefer one or the other. Cait’s like that. She thinks she overall is more attracted, or more likely to feel attraction for girls, but she loves me and is attracted to me even if it’s not like, the most likely thing to happen to her. But she says guys- as in, in general and not just me -still turn her on.”

“Hm. I don’t think… I mean, I wasn’t very turned on,” Will admits with major embarrassment. Samwell Men’s Hockey is way too close with each other. 

“That’s okay, Dex. Ya know?”

“I guess. I’m not like… surprised, I guess. But it feels weird to like, disprove this assumption I had. That I’m into girls.”

“Yeah I guess that would feel weird. But who knows? Maybe it was just this girl. Or the fact that you’re probably thinking of David.”

“Maybe. But I’m starting to feel more confident that… it’s not that.” Will sighs. He’s come a long way in being open-minded, but he can’t help the reflexive tension that comes when he accepts that he most likely  _ isn’t into girls _ . He still can’t say the labels in his head, even, but he’s pretty sure that he’s only interested in guys. 

“And if it isn’t, no worries, Dex. We love you anyway. I love you no matter what, you know that right?”

“Yeah, I know, you sap,” Will tries to chirp. But Chowder just smiles. Fucking sunshine boy. Even Will can’t stay in a broody, tense mood while looking at Chris Chow.

“I’m really proud of you, Will. Not just for this. You’re amazing, and I don’t know if you hear it enough. You are.” Will feels himself get a little too emotional and tries to tactfully shift to lighter topics, but really, he’s touched that Chowder thinks so. It took him a lot of growing to get to where he is. It’s nice that he isn’t the only one who sees it.

They chit chat more about their breaks and finally hang up around four in the morning. Will lays in bed just absorbing all that went down tonight, and the whole talk with Chowder. He can’t really make heads or tales of how he feels, but thinking of his family downstairs doesn’t seem to be a good direction. Instead, he texts David again (they texted at midnight) a goodnight/goodmorning text with a heart emoji. Bitty would be proud that he used any emoji. Nurse would chirp him for using the wrong color heart or something.

Hitting send settles something in him, and he’s able to almost fall asleep before his phone chirps one more time. 

**_cant believe u monopolized C 4 skype n didnt call me_** from Derek Nurse.

**_cant believe you spelled out monopolized but not you chowder for or and_** Will shot back, grinning in the dark of his room. He drifts off without seeing the next response.

**_happy new year, dexy_ ** **.**

* * *

Will has the best first month back to school that he’s ever had. He has a  _ boyfriend _ . A boyfriend who likes to cuddle and flirt and kiss and who is sweet to him. And Chowder and Ransom are so supportive, and Will feels more confident than he ever has before. He shows Bitty all the new things he has learned, and backs himself into a corner trying to explain how he learned them without getting chirped or revealing David. Eventually he decides he should just tell Bitty the truth. It’s not like Bitty would judge him.

Right before he knocks on Bitty’s door in the haus one Saturday morning in January, he hears a  _ very _ loud moan from inside. And then a second later, an all-too-familiar voice grunting and babbling, “harder, Bits,  _ crisse _ , shit, oh-” 

And Will hightails it out of the haus, noticing Jack’s car down the street to confirm what he just heard. He googles “how to forget traumatic things” on his phone. 

Deciding a distraction is best, he heads to Annie’s. He’s got his backpack anyway, he had been planning to do homework at the haus, but this will have to do. He finds Rans and Holster there in a booth and they wave him over. Both have their own homework out. Will is glad he isn’t interrupting serious quality time. The more he watches the two of them, the more he thinks they should just get together already. 

As he sits, Rans, looks at him intensely. 

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost, Dex,” Holster remarks. Ransom just nods. 

“Nope!” he says too quickly, and too high pitched. Fuck. “No,  _ ahem _ , sorry, I meant, nope, just tired.”

“You’re lying,” Rans accuses. 

“Tell us dude, whatever it is, can’t be worse than the ghost bugging Ransom.” Will laughs a little manically at that, not doing himself any favors in decreasing their suspicion. He can’t just  _ out _ Jack and Bits, but he like,  _ has _ to talk about this. Maybe he can leave Jack out of it?

“I just… I went to talk to Bits today and, uh, before I knocked on his door, well. Um. I left.”

Rans and Holtz have a weird sort of wordless conversation. 

“Why’d you leave?” Holtz finally asks. He sounds like he knows what he thinks the answer should be, which is weird. 

“He was, um, busy,” Will tries. But they’re going to bug him till he fesses up more, so he goes ahead and adds, “I think he has a guest over.”

“Wait, is Jack here?” Ransom blurts, and Holtz must try to kick him, but he gets Will’s shin instead, who yelps. 

“Ah, sorry, Dex. But  _ dude _ !” He rounds on Ransom.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to-” he stops and turns to Will, babbling, “Of course, I didn’t mean like, a sexy guest, I meant like, Jack sometimes visits and-”

“Bro, you’re totally making this worse,” Holtz groans.

“Um, it was definitely Jack’s voice,” Will finally admits. “You didn’t give anything away. I just didn’t say because I wasn’t sure if you guys knew.” 

“Oh thank god,” Ransom says, and slumps in his seat with relief. “I would have felt awful if you hadn’t known. We’ve known since like December.”

“I’ve only known for fifteen minutes and that’s fifteen minutes too long,” Will groans.

“Wait, what exactly did he say?” Holtz asked, shutting his laptop.  _ May as well give up on the pretense of homework _ , Will thought. 

“It wasn’t like, coherent sentences-”

“Wait, you overheard them  _ fucking?” _ Ransom whisper-shouted.

Will let his forehead fall forward and lay on the cool tabletop. “I need bleach for my brain.” Rans and Holtz lose it, laughing and begging for deets while Will blushes so deeply that he starts sweating.

They press enough that Will gives in, and more embarrassed than he’s ever been in his life, he whispers, “Fine! Fine, but literally never make me remember this again ever please. And  _ never _ tell either of them that I told you.” Rans and Holtz both nod seriously but with manic, chirp-ready smiles on. “It was just, loud moans and then  _ harder,  _ something french, and then  _ shit _ and more grunts.”

“Crisse?” Ransom guesses. 

“Yup,” Will confirms. Just toss him into the pond already.

* * *

Will avoids eye contact with Bitty for a week, but does finally get around to telling him about David. He lets Bitty make whatever assumptions he wants to about why Will had been acting weird all week. Bitty is, as expected, thrilled for him and super supportive. David even comes to hang out with the two of them a few times while they bake, and sometimes Ransom or Chowder is there. Bitty sends David off to their conference championship meet in February with a big bag of cookies for all the swimmers to share. Hockey has a game that same weekend, so Will can’t go to the meet, but David assures him that it’s okay. He gets a very sweet goodbye kiss the morning before David leaves. God, he is so grateful for his single dorm. 

One unfortunate aspect of the dorm situation is that Nursey seems to be onto him. He thinks he and David have been fairly quiet, but Nursey has been turned away a few times because of certain activities going on when he decided to knock. And he always gives Will a weird look whenever they finally see each other. And it’s not that he doesn’t think he could trust Nursey, but with all their past animosity it just… doesn’t feel right yet. Nursey wouldn’t care that he’s into guys, but he might be weird about how Will acted in the past.

Regardless, spring semester is pretty great. It gets worse though when he realizes how fucking awful he feels about the seniors graduating. He isn’t even thinking about dibs. He just thinks about how much he is going to miss Holtz and Lardo and  _ Ransom _ . Also it’s hella fucking sad watching him and Holtzy pine and both are completely set on “not starting shit right before we graduate.” 

So, when they finally blow up on the day of Ford’s interview and decide that they’ll be in the same place next year, Will tries to give Rans a pointed look. Rans subtly shakes his head and Will throws his head back and groans. But the next morning, he notices Holster’s hand on Ransom’s thigh at team breakfast. Will is the only one who sees it. Hoping that it’s not just a one-off thing, he texts Ransom. 

**_Fine._ **

Ransom pushes him into Nursey on his left and they both laugh. Nursey looks weirdly at him again, but smiles. His hands are shaking again, Will notices. Hm. 

* * *

Around the time that he  _ finally,  _ finally feels comfortable saying the words “I’m gay” out loud, alone in his room at the mirror, David texts asking to talk. 

Will honestly isn’t that sad about it, surprisingly. He expects his first relationship ending to be more upsetting, but the two of them have been growing apart a bit. They don’t share classes together this semester, and with more roadies than home games, and swim season over, they don’t much get to watch each other compete anymore. They’re both busy, and things just kind of fizzled. But they parted on really good terms, Will thought. And he talks to Phil about it. And Will is proud of himself that he isn’t being self-deprecating or thinking negative thoughts about himself. Sometimes people just don’t work out, and that doesn’t mean he isn’t likeable or worthy or a good guy. He still nods or smiles at David when they pass on campus.

And besides, hockey, seniors graduating, and spending time with the frogs (and Cait) keep him plenty distracted. Nurse sometimes comes over to his room (Will stopped locking the bathroom door again) just to watch Netflix in the same space while Will does homework, and he actually appreciates the company.

One weekend late in the semester, he gets coffee at Annie’s with Nurse. Chow and Cait were supposed to come but totally bailed to have sex, which Nurse and Will plan to chirp them relentlessly for, but they still have a good time hanging out. Will is a little in awe of how far they’ve come. He pauses outside the door and Nurse heads in the other direction with a quick “See you at lift,” tossed over his shoulder with a smile. And Will smiles, too. He doesn’t realize he’s standing still until someone bumps into him, looking up from their phone to apologize. 

“Oh- hey, Will,” David says kindly. 

“Hey, David. Sorry for being in the way,” Will apologizes.

“Nah, dude, I shoulda looked up,” David responds. He gazes off in the direction of Nursey walking away, and his smile grows. “So, you finally lock that down?” he asks with a wink. Will’s heart skips a beat.

“What?”

“Derek? You guys… oh.” At whatever look must be on Will’s face, David stops. “Forget I said anything.”

“No, I mean- Uh, what?” Will might just spiral if he doesn’t figure out what is going on in his head this very second. David thinks that he- he and  _ Nurse _ ?

“Oh, I just… thought you guys were super into each other. Even while we were dating, I thought you kinda had a thing for him. Not like, a cheating thing, just, like a crush that maybe you weren’t fully aware of,” David amends.

“Uh. Hm. Well, um, we’re just… friends. Teammates. We only started getting along recently.”

“Not to butt my head where it doesn’t belong but even last fall, you talked about him a lot. I mean a lot of it was complaining, but you clearly paid a lot of attention to him. And he looks at you, too,” David says awkwardly.

“Oh. Well, uh. Thank you? I mean. Um, but we aren’t-” Will feels like all his brain cells fucked off at once.

“No worries, man. I was wrong, it’s all good,” David drops it, and Will feels relieved. “I’d invite you for coffee but you’re clearly heading out,” he continues with good humor in his voice. 

“Next time,” Will says, forcing a polite smile. “I’ll see ya around, David.”

“Later, Will.” David walks in and sits down with a very cute boy who had at some point claimed the booth that he and Nurse just vacated. Will turns around and starts walking to Faber, unsure what to do but needing to  _ move _ somewhere to avoid this spiral. 

Later in the day, Will determines that the universe hates him. There’s no other explanation. 

After fidgeting in the locker room for thirty minutes and then running on a treadmill in the nearly empty training room until lift, Will couldn’t even look Nurse in the eyes. Nurse spotted him for squat and Will was struggling to stay focused. 

And later that night, the dibs flip happened. 

Will is not proud of how he reacted. And had this happened 24 hours ago, he knows he wouldn’t’ve been so ridiculous about it. But Nurse just rolls with it and plays peacekeeper, so Will accepts the dibs and then he tries to pretend like he doesn’t exist, so he doesn’t have to think about his words and actions and that stupid conversation with David.

It doesn’t work. Chowder and Bitty keep looking at him all  _ concerned _ and he gets fed up enough to go back to his own room, but he can hear Nursey’s music through the bathroom and that doesn’t help anything either. So he goes for a walk. When he gets back later, Nursey’s music is either gone or quiet enough that he can’t hear it. The light is still on in Nursey’s room, though. Will does homework for a while, but Nurse doesn’t come in. 

* * *

The year ends, the season ends, and it’s fucking sad. Rans hugs him, though, and admits something.

“You know you’re like, my guy, right?” he begins. Will smiles. They all love each other, of course, and everyone has unique relationships like him and Bitty or Chowder and Lardo, but regarding the frogs and the upperclassmen, Chowder is Bitty’s, Nurse is Holtz’ and Lardo’s, and Will is Ransom’s. 

“Sure,” he says with a smug smile.

“Don’t get a big head.”

“Too late,” he says with a laugh. His chest feels tight looking at the slightly emptied haus. There’s boxes everywhere. 

“Uh huh. Well, wanted to let you know… Holtzy and I went on a date yesterday.”

“No way!” 

“Yup, real date. Romantic feelings and everything,” Ransom says, sounding both breathless and proud. Will hugs him again, squeezing tight. 

“That’s so good, Rans. You guys are perfect for each other,” he says, muffled by Ransom’s chest.

“I think you might be onto something,” Ransom agrees before they pull away again. “Don’t give Nursey such a hard time next year, okay Dex?” he orders, getting serious. “You guys were doing really well, and Lardo told us about the flip… Just, keep it chill, okay?” Will can’t even be mad at the wording.

“I overreacted. It was pretty stupid. I know that,” Will admits.

“Maybe tell Nursey that. And maybe throw in a little “I’m sorry” action, too.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Are you ready for Saturday?” Will asked, trying to shift the focus away from him. It works. 

“Not at all, bro. Not at all. I’m not even fully packed,” he answers, sounding tired. Existential tired. 

“I’ll help, if you want,” Will offers.

“Thanks, Dex.” Will politely ignores the sniffs interspersed in their packing and carrying boxes to Ransom's car. And Ransom ignores Will's own sniffles, too.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Junior year. Will has a big year ahead of him. But as Shania Twain might say, life's about to get good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally finished! I love writing but I have such trouble finishing things and sticking to them. I plan to keep writing more, but I'll probably start only posting things after I finish them. I don't want to disappoint people by ghosting a work :( but i do have a zillion ideas, so if you liked this and think you would enjoy other stuff I write, stick around! 
> 
> Additionally, just a heads up: This story got way more detailed and specific than Nursey's version. The two are meant to be the same story from different perspectives, so be patient while I edit some details from the Nursey version. Some tiny differences mostly about Dex's apologies about the dibs flip and the summer before junior year just didn't line up with how I wanted them to be in Dex's version.
> 
> Lastly, I do apologize for a kind of cliche coming out narrative; I know there's too many of those and it's so easy to center the queer narrative on coming out as the be-all-end-all. But for Dex's story, it was important. In the future I'll write things where it's no big deal ;)
> 
> warnings for the phone call and following discussion that we saw in Nursey's fic, but a little more detailed. a non-explicit mention of suicidal thoughts, and some gentle discussion about Jack's OD and Nursey's over-medication.

Summer is rough. It’s about ten times harder to listen to his family now that he’s mostly comfortable calling himself gay. He thinks that’s all there is to it, and he doesn’t want his identity to be any more complicated than that, but Will tries to remember what Phil said about internalized homophobia. And this time, actual homophobia. He realizes that he never actually had a problem with Nursey’s sexuality, he was just jealous. But for himself, he has a tendency to place limits on “how gay he can be” and Phil tells him that it’s okay to have an identity that is supposedly simple, but not to be afraid to expand on it if that’s what works for him. 

Will feels a little in over his head, but he really does try. And it’s just another thing on the pile of stuff about him that has changed. He is a totally new person. More educated, and not just from classes. He knows now why some of his views were problematic, and he can articulate his feelings better than before. He’s humbler, and a better listener. He fucked up with the dibs flip, but he is still different than he was before. That doesn’t make it easier to say that he actually likes Derek Nurse, as something different than just a hockey bud. 

It doesn’t feel like he likes Nursey _more_ , just different. Obviously, he likes Nurse more than he did in freshman year, but since they became mostly decent friends, it’s just been a shift. He still feels friendly towards Nurse (despite Will’s atrocious behavior at the dibs flip, which he is still trying to work out a way to apologize for). But now, in addition to those friendly feelings, he feels a different kind of fondness and a pull towards him. He thinks of Nursey way more than he thinks he should, and just generally misses being around him. He misses Chowder too, no less, but something about it feels different. 

He imagines the hug he’ll get from Chowder when they reunite and feels warm and loved. Chowder is a tactile person and has no qualms about physical contact, even outside of his romantic relationship. Just normal stuff, like hugs, leaning, or holding hands, and comforting touches. And even though it took him a while to get comfortable with it, Will eventually came to realize how happy Chowder’s specific style of love made him. But he imagines the hug he wants from Nursey and feels… sappy. Like he wants to go on dates, and say words like “boyfriend” and think about romance. There’s attraction there too, but even without the sexual side of things, he imagines being close and intimate with Nurse. Touching his lower back, holding the back of his head, kissing his cheek. Snuggling on their Netfix nights, instead of sitting shoulder-to-shoulder. Putting an arm around Nursey’s waist. Dropping his head on Nursey’s shoulder. Touching his butt. 

God, Will is having a hell of a time dealing with all this while everyone he trusts with any of this info is a few hundred miles away, at least. 

So he works and tries to ignore his family, without being an asshole. He saves a ton of money and follows a similar routine to last summer, staying in shape and being distant. His brother gets married in early June and he is the best man, but it doesn’t feel quite as happy as Will thinks a wedding should. It’s a small event, and it’s certainly sweet, but he feels happier watching Chowder and Farmer than he felt watching his brother get married. 

That kind of puts him in a weird funk for a while. He goes through the motions and doesn’t quite feel _sad_ but he just feels numb again. It’s helpful that he has a pretty physical job, because he doesn’t think he could handle the mental effort of doing school right now. It becomes harder to push himself out of bed, even though he doesn’t sleep any less. But he manages. 

Chowder, ever the glue between the frogs, keeps them talking. Will still hasn’t apologized to Nursey. He just doesn’t know how. But he will. And in the meantime, Nursey seems to have let it go. They chat and stay caught up on each other’s lives, and then watch the Stanley Cup game together and go nuts for Jack. Will’s mom has this weird look of relief on her face, watching him cheer with Chowder and Nurse on Skype while they watch the game. 

And then… Bitty and Jack kissed. On TV. With Will’s mom in the kitchen with a full view of the living room and Will, and his dad over at his brother’s house watching the game and helping them unpack and fix up a busted dishwasher.

Chowder and Nursey freak out, of course. And he wants to. He wants to cheer, and let loose this bubble of joy in his chest for his friends. Bitty deserves this. He had a rough year. Now that Will knew that they had been hiding for so long, he wonders how Bitty did it. He knows that Bitty and Jack told the upperclassmen earlier in the Spring, and he doesn’t fault Bitty at all for not telling the frogs yet. He’s still beyond happy for them both, but he doesn’t know if he should be cheering with his mom watching.

She hasn’t said a word, and he’s afraid to turn around and look at her. Bitty and Jack have separated and the celly on the TV has returned to a view of the whole team. It’s hard to make out who’s who with the wide view, but he can see a few small figures who could be Shitty, Lardo, Ransom, and Holster around the figures he knows are Jack and Bitty.

He smiles for Nursey and Chowder. He really is happy. But the last few seconds (because less than thirty seconds has passed even though it feels like an eternity) are still hanging heavy and tense between him and his mom. Will is scared, but he finally decides on something to say to Nurse and Chowder. 

“Finally, right?”

They both immediately launch into a discussion, and Dex lets it happen. It’s not like this is _him_ coming out to his mom. It’s just him talking about his friends who he loves very much and who she can’t do anything about. 

“I knew Bits was stressed this year, but damn, how long do you think that was going on in secret?” Nurse wonders.

“I found out in January by accident. But I think it’s been happening since last summer,” Dex admits. 

“You found out in January?? I only found out a few weeks ago!” Chowder pouts.

“Well I didn’t even know at all!” Nursey exclaims with a laugh. “I mean, I had suspicions, but I was afraid to make any real guesses.”

“They probably waited since it was Jack’s first year in the league,” Chowder muses. “I mean, the Falconers seem like a good program and like they’d be welcoming, but it’s still probably scary before you’ve really established yourself, to take a risk like that.”

“Yeah, probably,” Will agrees. He lets Chowder and Nursey discuss that for a moment, and notices his Mom leave the kitchen. When she’s gone, he doesn’t know if he should be worried but he decides not to think about it until it becomes a problem. Chowder and Nurse are still chatting about Jack and Bitty, and he gets an idea. He pulls out his phone to text Chowder. 

Dex: **_hey not right now, i still want us all to hang out a bit. but whenever we slow down, can u try to leave first? i wanna apologize to nurse about the dibs thing._ **

Chowder: **_yes of course! let me know how that goes. when?_ **

Will feels relieved that he’ll finaly get this done, and he also remembers Chowder’s issues with arbitrary times. He rushes to text him again so he can join in on the conversation and not be suspicious.

Dex: **_if we’re all still talking in 20 mins, maybe then. but if the convo gets slow before then, just do it when you feel comfortable._ **

Chowder: **_:D got it!_ **

Will pockets his phone and joins in on the conversation again, which has now turned to Ransom and Holster. He doesn’t think he is a gossipy person, but it is a major strain to resist them temptation to reveal what he knows about their date. He doesn’t think they’re anything official yet, but Ransom has said that things have shifted in a good way. But Will thinks that’s mostly for them to share when they’re ready. He already feels bad for accidentally finding out about Bitty and Jack. 

Lardo and Shitty don’t get the same courtesy, because they haven’t said _anything_ about their feelings for each other. So the frogs gossip with no shame about when and how those two will finally get together, or if maybe they already are and have just not made a big deal of it? That seems unlikely, but it’s possible. 

They do also discuss the game and some of the more exciting moments, along with some of the strategy. Will points out a lot he noticed about their front men, Nursey chimes in with stuff about defense and he and Nurse talk about how they can start bringing that to the ice in the fall. Chowder talks about how their goalie seemed so calm, and Nurse also points out how the goalie was leading from the net. They couldn’t hear it, but he gestured often enough and looked like he had really good communication with the others on the ice, even in the middle of plays. 

When hockey discussion fizzles out, they talk about what’s going on at their family’s homes and Will keeps his part very limited. Nursey casually drops that they should visit him, and Chowder says the same. Will doesn’t return the offer, but he does act excited at the prospect of visiting either of them.

It’s been about twenty minutes when Chowder finally yawns dramatically. Will almost rolls his eyes. 

“Well, guys, I am exhausted. But I miss you both so much! Can we do this again Friday? When are you guys free?” They talk time zones for a few minutes and settle on a time, and Chowder says goodnight before signing off. Will freezes, but reminds himself to breathe.

“Well, Dex, this was fun-” Nursey starts, but Will interrupts.

“Wait! Don’t sign off yet. I have something to tell you,” he says in a shaky voice.

Nursey doesn’t respond, but gestures at him to continue and keeps a passive face.

“I’m really sorry about the dibs flip,” Will starts, taking a huge breath. “I was totally immature, and we have been getting along so much better and I shouldn’t have freaked out. I had some personal stuff stressing me out, but I shouldn’t have acted like such as ass. I’m… really looking forward to sharing a room, and I’m sorry for being such a jerk at first.” His heart is pounding, and he feels his face get way too hot. Nursey waits an agonizingly long time before smiling and responding.

“Thanks, Dex. I, uh, forgive you. If you were worried about that. I just want us to be chill. I don’t like fighting.”

Will feels like his whole soul exhales. 

“Good. Me neither.”

“Guess we both didn’t do a good job showing it, huh?” Nursey chirps, but it’s also a self-chirp. 

“We both have issues,” he agrees with a laugh. “But it will get better, right?”

“Yeah, Dexy. It will. So… see you Friday?”

“Yeah. Night, Nurse.”

Nursey smiles, and that bubble of joy from earlier rises up again in Will’s chest. 

“Night, Dex,” he says before hanging up. 

They joy carries him through the next few weeks of monotony and stress, and it’s almost okay.

* * *

His mom never did say anything about Jack and Bitty until the end of summer. His Dad hadn’t mentioned it either. He had caught them having hushed conversations a few times, but they stopped whenever they noticed him. His mom tries to get him to come to church more, and he goes just to make her happy, but listening to the sermons is hard. His mom trying to discuss the sermons at Sunday lunch is harder. He stays silent, but every time she mentions God’s design or marriage or anything related to it, something in him shrinks. He thinks the summer will end a little tense, but that it will calm down while he’s at school and Christmas will be at least somewhat normal again.

But as Will is packing up, his mom brings up a load of laundry she had done for him. He thanks her with a smile, and she lingers in his room, and sits on his bed next to the basket. He starts putting the last clothes in his boxes.

“So, you excited for junior year?” she asks.

“Yeah,” he answers honestly. Things have been tense with his parents, but he is happy that they’re talking, even if he hasn’t been a good participant in their church conversations. “I’m really happy for it. Things seem to be going really well, and my friends and I are doing great, classes seem good.” His mom smiles genuinely for a few seconds, then it falls.

“You kind of worried us this summer, you know?” his mom says quietly. “You seemed so… down. Almost robotic. Is everything okay, sweety?”

Will pauses what he’s doing and thinks about what he’s learned with Phil. He decides to move the basket and sit close next to his mom. 

“I… definitely wasn’t feeling great all summer. I’m sorry I worried you. Sometimes I get kind of numb. It’s not you,” he says, and it’s not completely a lie. But she and his dad are part of it, even if he won’t tell them that. “I just, have grown a lot and sometimes it’s hard to…” He can’t put it into words, and is afraid to try. He doesn’t want to accidentally say something hurtful.

“Come home?” his mom offers, with a sad smile.

“More like… be here, where I was someone so different a few years ago.” She nods, and places a hand on his back, rubbing small circles. 

“Are you glad? That you’re different?” Will considers it for a moment. He lets himself lean into his mom. 

“I am. I like myself a lot better now,” he settles on.

“Then I’m happy for you, Will,” she says, still rubbing circles. “I don’t want you to ever feel… out of place. You’re you, no matter who you grow into, right? And I want you to always feel at home here.” Will feels tears prick his eyes. Maybe… maybe he could say it.

“Mom?” His voice sounds so small to him. It’s shaky and his mom’s face shifts into something worried and concerned, but Will just looks at his lap. 

“What is it, baby?”

“I… you love me. And you’ll love me… no matter what?” His voice is a whisper. He doesn’t know why this is so hard. Tears threaten to spill over. 

“Of course, baby! Never, ever doubt that. What’s wrong?” His mom sounds scared. He doesn’t want her to be scared. He doesn’t want this to stretch out any longer. 

“I’m gay,” he says, and the tears fall. His mom’s hand stills on his back and she stiffens. Dex feels like his heart stops beating. He sits up straighter from where he had been leaning into her.

“Will… we love you,” she says finally. Will still can’t breathe. It sounds like there’s a _but_ coming. “We love you no matter what. You’re our boy,” she finishes. And the tension doesn’t leave, even though the words are good.

“You’re okay with it?” he asks in disbelief. 

“We… we will be okay, honey.” Will supposes that’s as good as he’ll get. He knows his parents have pretty firm beliefs, and it’s a lot to ask them to change instantly. Despite the tension that’s still between them, he feels himself breathe and something loosen in him.

“Thank you,” he mumbles, and gives her a hug. She is stiff, and takes a second to move, but does hug him back. And things don’t feel right, but Will still wants this to be real. She doesn’t hate him, she… she’ll learn to be okay with it. He lets himself press his face into her shoulder and cling to her, like he might have as a kid. The tears have slowed, but his eyes are still wet and he squeezes them shut, just feeling the closeness of his mom. She hugs him back, but it still feels off. 

* * *

They don’t say anything about that conversation for the last two days that Will is home. He doesn’t say anything to his Dad either, but he isn’t sure if his mom does. He almost would rather she did, so he didn’t have to face that. They may be traditional and have some prejudices, but they generally agree and work hard to be a team. Will’s confident that if his mom can be okay, his Dad can be too. So he convinces himself not to worry about it. 

Being back at school is like coming up from underwater. He can breath, and gulps in the air like he’s been waiting forever. Seeing Chowder run up to him on the porch of the Haus, and feeling those arms squeeze him tight, he feels that warm fuzzy feeling he’s always chasing. He tries not to dwell on it when he notices that this was what he was missing when he talked to his mom. It’s probably nothing.

He relaxes so entirely in Chowder’s grip that he is sure Chowder notices. And so Chowder does what he does, and is the best friend Will could have asked for. He subtly worms his way into helping Dex unpack, and stays close and touches frequently. Will knows it’s intentional, and he’s sure Chowder knows that he knows, but they don’t mention it. 

Nurse isn’t coming until after dinner time, and Chowder unpacked way earlier today. So they sit on what will be Nursey’s bunk (Dex claimed the top bunk, because he’s sure Nurse would fall out. He doesn’t tell Chowder this). They talk about this season and this semester, because they’re already pretty caught up on summer. But… Dex wants to talk this out. He doesn’t have a session with Phil until next week.

Chowder is talking about the Sharks when Will interrupts him. “I came out to my Mom.” Chowder cuts himself off instantly. “Sorry for interrupting.”

“No! That’s okay. This is important,” he reassures Will. Then he grabs Will’s hand with both of his. “I’m proud of you. But you don’t seem very happy about it,” he says hesitantly. 

“It went… fine. Like, better than I thought it would. It felt weird and tense but she said she loved me, and they’d be okay with it.”

“Would be? Like future tense?”

“Yeah, I guess. I can’t really expect her to change all her beliefs overnight, can I?”

Chowder just hums thoughtfully.

“Do you feel like it was the right time? Are you glad you did it?”

“I… yeah. Yeah. I don’t know if there would have been a better time. But I’m glad it’s done.”

“Then that’s all you should think about. No reason to worry about what you can’t control, right? And things will get better.”

“I hope so. Thanks, Chris.”

“I love you Will,” Chris says, and leans his head on Will’s shoulder. It’s not often that the team calls him Will. Chowder saying it now makes him feel secure, like this is such an indisputable fact that it requires his real name.

“Love you too,” Will returns, and lays his head on top of Chowders. 

“I hope y'all aren’t about to start making out on my bed now,” Nursey’s voice calls from the doorway. Dex blushes, embarrassed and thinking about how Nurse doesn’t know about his birthday freshman year. But Chowder is unphased, and simply laughs, high and clear, before jumping up to hug Nursey just as tightly as he hugged Dex. Dex notices stiffness in Nursey’s shoulders and how it loosens the longer he holds onto Chris. 

Chris finally pulls apart, but grabs Nursey’s hand instead. He pushes the shoulder bag off Nurse’s shoulder and drags him to sit on the bed with Dex. Chris is in the middle, and he doesn’t let go of Nurse’s hand when he grabs Dex’s again.

“When did Bitty turn into a six foot black guy?" Chowder jokes, and Nursey laughs. "Y'all?" Chowder keeps chirping. And everyone is laughing. It feels good. It feels like home. Chowder continues, "We would never make out on your bed, Nursey,” and all three laugh more. “But I do love you guys. So much. I missed you more this summer than ever!” Will leans into him, and he thinks Nursey does too. 

“I love you too, Chris,” Nursey adds. Will makes an _mhm_ sound affirming it. “Even you, Poindexter,” he adds, and Will has to stop himself from gasping. He knew they weren’t antagonizing each other anymore, but Nurse hasn’t ever really affirmed that he actually likes Will, even as a friend. 

“Me too, dude. I really am sorry about last semester.” Will can’t stand anything more serious than that, but it seems okay. Nurse drops Chowders hand momentarily to reach over and ruffle Will’s hair, before returning his hand to Chowder. Chowder is smiling like crazy and rocking gently between them.

They sit quietly for a few minutes. Nursey breaks the silence first. 

“So. We’re juniors.” 

Chris squeezes their hands and wiggles a bit, and Will chuckles.

“The frogs are officially upperclassmen! This is gonna be a great year. My best friends are really, real friends finally, and Cait’s one of the volleyball captains, and Bitty is our captain, and we all live in the haus. I’m so happy.” Chris says. And so is Will. 

Until the second week. He really is trying here, but Nursey is not an easy person to live with. He leaves his shit everywhere, is messy, leaves _food_ in the room, and is up to ungodly hours of the night just like last year, but now it’s worse because the lights are on and Will can always hear Nursey’s music, even when he uses headphones. Not to mention, Will’s mom hasn’t texted him since he got here and confirmed he made it safely. She used to text him at least twice a week just to check in. But four weeks go by with nothing. Classes aren’t too bad, and neither is hockey, but Will is stressed. Baking with Bitty helps a bit. He also helps Bitty with planning drills and team stuff just like he did with Ransom and Holster, along with Ollie and Wicks, but he’s distracted constantly. 

He starts to think he was crazy for ever having a crush on Nursey, but then Nursey does some cute shit like read him a poem, or drag him to the bottom bunk watch Netflix together like they used to. And Will can see that Nursey is trying so, so hard not to get into it with him. But every time he gets upset with Nurse, he starts feeling defensive again. Nursey is also attractive as hell, which Will already knew, but it’s hard to focus when Nursey likes to be shirtless in his own room. Will tries to keep a lid on his temper, but they do explode a couple times. 

Phil encourages him to do breathing exercises and talk to Nurse about a cleaning routine. Chowder tries to distract them with hanging out, and brings Caitlin along to be extra sure that they’ll stay civil. Bitty buys paper plates when Will complains to him about the dirty dishes in their room. That does help a little. 

But it all comes to a head about two months in, and he thinks that if he doesn’t get some distance from Nurse, he’ll never be able to be his friend. And even though Nurse tries not to fight, he gives as good as he gets from Will. And they don’t reach a compromise. So he builds a bedroom in the basement, dipping into his savings a tiny bit and borrowing materials from the art and theater departments that he doesn’t think they’ll miss. He has to spend a few days with very little sleep when he’s done to catch up on all the schoolwork he put off, but he keeps his grades up and ends up with his own space again, finally. 

He stubbornly doesn’t acknowledge that it feels lonely and empty. Chowder is a lot quieter lately, and Nurse looks like he could be hit by a car and barely notice. He’s so… zombie-ish. Bitty is acting particularly like a mother hen. Hockey is going surprisingly well, considering the emotional states of everyone in the Haus. Bitty is a great leader and keeps them focused on the ice, and they work really hard. But once everyone leaves Faber, it’s like they step back into a fog. 

His mom finally texts him to check in, but their conversation stays in safe topics, like classes and hockey. She asks how the team is doing, and he tells her they’re doing great.

Around the beginning of November, she calls again to tell him that she and his dad are going out of town for Thanksgiving. His dad’s parents, who live in North Carolina, are getting older and can’t travel as much, so they’re going to drive down and spend Thanksgiving there. And Will’s brother is having a quiet Thanksgiving with his wife. His mom asks if he wants to come to North Carolina or go to his brother’s for Thanksgiving. It takes him a second to realize that he’s being asked a question.

“Uh… well. I mean, I don’t want to impose on Dan and Liza, it’s their first Thanksgiving married. And North Carolina is a pretty long drive, and we have a roadie the middle of the week when we get back. I don’t know if… maybe I should just stay here?” His mom is quiet for a few seconds. 

“Are you sure, sweety? That… I don’t like the idea of you being alone.”

“Some of the other guys stick around, too,” he lies easily. It isn’t like it’s never happened, but he doesn’t know of anyone else planning to stay yet. “I won’t be alone. And I’ll call you on Thanksgiving, too.”

She finally agrees, and Will doesn’t know if what he’s feeling is sadness or relief. But, it turns out that Caitlin actually is staying for Thanksgiving too, so at least he truthfully won’t be alone and can even probably have Caitlin say hi when he calls. She even invites herself to stay in the Haus over break, in Chowder’s room. His parents hopefully won’t worry too much. And then he won’t have to address… whatever tension is still leftover from summer. Not yet.

Caitlin actually turns out to be a good friend to have around for Thanksgiving. Her family is in a similar spot as Will’s, but her parents are going to see her grandmother who is really sick, and she lives in Arizona.

“Do you wish you were with them?” Will asks her on Thanksgiving afternoon while they’re playing Mario Kart. Will had called his own family already and spoken to his parents and grandparents. He and Cait had planned a small but nice dinner, and everything is ready and waiting to be cooked, so they’re passing time for now. Will doesn’t know why he asked, but the question popped into his head and the impulse was too strong to ignore. Caitlin isn’t a reserved person, not like him, but she typically doesn’t share much unless she’s asked. 

“My parents? Not really. I mean, I miss them but my grandmother is… not my favorite person. She was pretty shitty when my older sister married a black guy, so me and Grace haven’t talked to her in awhile. My parents don’t think it’s okay or anything, how my grandmother acts, but… she’s my dad’s mom. He feels like he has to be there. And my mom is there to support him.” Will just nods. He thinks he understands.

“What about you?”

“Kind of the same deal,” Will admits. “My grandparents in North Carolina are not the most, uh, progressive. But my parents don’t think there’s much wrong with what they believe. It’s just me who doesn’t, like, think all that.”

Cait is smiling. “You know, you used to not be the most progressive,” she chirps. He smiles, but it falls quickly as he finishes his thought. 

“It just... that makes me not really want to be around them. But I feel kind of guilty for not wanting to be there.” Will shocks himself with how much he opens up, and he thinks Cait is surprised, too.

“Well, you shouldn’t feel guilty, Dex. You’re not a bad son or grandson for not wanting to be around that,” she says firmly. Cait’s confidence is infectious, and Will does genuinely feel a bit better. They keep playing, and eventually she steps out to talk to her own parents on the phone. Then she calls Chowder, but she includes Will on that call, as if they called him together. Will had already responded to Chowder’s text in the groupchat this morning and wished him happy Thanksgiving, but it was nice to talk to him over skype, too. He doesn’t hear from Nurse all day, but that isn’t really surprising. As their eating dinner, there isn’t a whole lot to talk about. But Cait eventually brings something up.

“Did you know that I have anxiety?” she says suddenly. She doesn’t sound nervous to talk about it, just states it like a fact from class. 

“Uh, no. I didn’t know that. Uh, you’re alright though?” She laughs gently.

“Yeah, I’m good. I take meds for it, go to counseling,” Will did know that she went to counseling, actually, “and Chris is really helpful, actually. He gets a lot of it.”

“That’s good,” Will says. He’s a little unsure of how to continue. “I’m, uh, glad you told me.”

“Me too. You know, you should cut Derek a little slack,” she continues.

“Oh.” He really doesn’t know what to say to that.

“I mean, do you ever think he looks kind of, not okay?” she asks. Her tone is still so matter-of-fact, but she lets concern show through a little bit.

“Yeah. He does seem like that sometimes,” Will admits. 

“I know that you guys have your differences and it’s not all on you. I’m not accusing you. But I think you could stand to check in with him a bit more often. I see a lot of my own anxiety stuff in him.” She’s totally serious, and he knows she truthfully isn’t trying to make him feel bad. But a little guilt still takes hold.

Will’s voice is quiet when he responds, “I just… don’t think he wants to be my friend. We’ve acted like it a few times, but it never ends well. And now, we’ve both been so bad to each other, I don’t think he wants me checking in.” 

“I think you’d be surprised,” Caitlin says, still confident. “And I think Chris would be a whole lot happier if you two sorted your shit. So consider this a shovel talk from the protective girlfriend: your shit with Nurse is hurting my boyfriend, so I highly recommend that you work a little harder at fixing it.” Her tone is still light, but Will feels a shudder go through him. She can be as scary as Lardo sometimes.

“Yes ma’am,” he chirps when the fear passes. He knows she only wants their friend group to be happy. And Will is included in that. She laughs and shoves him, and they continue to have their little Thanksgiving together.

It’s the best Thanksgiving Will has had in years.

* * *

The last few weeks of school, things actually do return to something pleasant between him and Nurse. He returns some of his stuff to their shared room, but still mostly sleeps in the basement, because Nurse still stays up super late. Chowder seems happier with their dynamic, and he continues to bring sunshine where Nursey and Will bring awkwardness. But it works, for the most part. His romantic feelings are decidedly on hold, but he catches himself admiring Nursey a few times, and doing little things to help him out. 

He doesn’t check in quite like Cait probably wanted, but he sometimes picks up trash for Nurse when he isn’t looking, or checks on him in the middle of the night and encourages him to go to bed. Or throw a blanket on him if he fell asleep on top of the covers. The Haus gets cold, okay? Will doesn’t know how Nurse could even fall asleep without being under a comforter. 

He goes home for Christmas feeling optimistic about the situation with Nursey, but extremely nervous about the situation with his parents. Amazingly, they act more normal than they have all semester. His first week home and Christmas Day are all shockingly pleasant. His mom doesn’t mention him coming out, and he can’t tell if she’s told his dad, but Will would assume so. 

Despite how seemingly positive this is, Will finds himself subconsciously packing things. He doesn’t think he wants to live at home next summer, and he can find a job near Samwell and stay at the haus. He thinks it will be good for him and his family if they don’t see each other so much all at once. He’ll visit them, and as things get more calm they’ll fall into a new, happy normal. He doesn’t do it intentionally, but the rest of his extra clothes at home end up in a duffle, his books get pulled off the shelf and into a box, and he moves all his old hockey trophies and decorations into one spot on his dresser. He doesn’t have a lot of stuff. Will thinks about the first few weeks of this break and imagines a future where every time he visits home feels like this. He feels hopeful.

Until New Year’s Day, when his dad steps into his doorway and knocks on the open door late in the morning. They had all stayed up late to watch the ball drop, with snacks and music, and it was the most fun he’s had with his family since he was a kid. Now, Will was just watching film from their next opponent’s last game, so he pauses it and smiles at his dad. 

“Hey dad. Need something?”

His dad smiles, but it’s tense and a lot of the bad feelings since summer resurface then. 

“Just want to talk. You seem a lot happier now than you were this summer.”

“It’s been a stressful semester,” Will admits cautiously, “But I’ve been having a really good break so far. I’ve missed you guys.” He isn’t lying, but the fear is making him doubt.

“We’ve missed you too, son. And… uh, I just wanted to talk to you about, well, what you told your mom this summer.” Will doesn’t speak, waiting and holding his breath, trying not to expect the worst. He shouldn’t be this scared, after what his mom said. His dad continues, “And we love you, and just want what’s best for you, son. We love you,” he repeats.

Will breathes out a sigh of relief and smiles. “Thanks dad. I love you, too. I’m glad… I’m glad we’re all okay.”

“Me too, son. And we will be okay,” he says. And Will pauses, because there’s that cryptic future tense again. 

“I know it’s hard to… change, quickly. So like, I get it if you guys need time,” Will offers. 

“Actually, Will… you know, we thought maybe we could start working through it. Whatever it is, we’ll get through it, as a family, right?” Something in his dad’s words doesn’t match up with his tone or what he’s trying to say.

“I don’t get it,” Will says, trying for honesty. It’s seemed to be working so far. He also tries for a little humor, hoping to alleviate some of the tension. “We know what it is,” he says with a chuckle. His dad doesn’t laugh though.

“Yeah, we know. And we can work through it.”

“What do you mean, work through it?” Will says. He’s careful to keep his tone away from defensive or accusatory. 

“Well, this summer, we can… help. You were so down last summer, we want to make sure you’re okay and on the right path. You scared us for a while there.”

Will waits before responding. He feels something in him close off, and he’s afraid of what his Dad will say next. But all his fears didn’t prepare him for how much it hurts. 

“When the Yancey’s… when they made that boy leave, Benjamin… it broke your mom and my’s hearts. That isn’t what parents should do when their kids stray. We can get you good help, Will. Your mental health is important,” he states, and the words sound foreign coming from him. “In fact, Pastor Jones has already said he’d love to have us over for dinner tonight and talk about this.”

Will looks at the floor. He counts to ten. It finally dawns on him what his Dad is really saying. They want to… fix him. But Will wants to try and salvage this.

“Dad… it’s not something to work through, you know? Like, it’s just me.”

“It’s hurting, you Will,” his dad responds.

“It’s really not. I was struggling this summer, but not because of being gay.” His dad flinches a little at the words finally being said aloud.

“Will… we’re your parents. We see when you’re not okay, and we know how we can help fix it. Pastor Jones has some excellent resources, counselors and stuff.”

“I already see a counselor at school,” Will replies cooly. He won’t lose it here. The little thing that closed inside him expands, to shut down everything. He won’t reveal a thing.

“That counselor might not have the right ideas about…” his dad trails off, then changes tracks. “Just, we want to help you be the best you can be. We don’t want you to be caught up in all this,” he finishes.

Will breathes slowly, then speaks with all the confidence he can muster. “It’s not something to fix, Dad. I am gay. I’m not going to stop being gay. My mental health isn’t suffering because of being gay, it’s suffering because of the stress of not being accepted by the people I love.”

“We accept you, Will-” his dad starts, but Will stops him.

“You don’t. If you did, you wouldn’t want to fix me. This is me, it’s who I am. I am the best I can be, just like this.”

They’re at a bit of a standoff here, and Will has no idea how to proceed. But there’s something Will has to know.

“Does mom agree with all this? Going to Pastor Jones, getting a new counselor and everything?”

“She… yes. We talked about it a lot, how to help you. We just want what’s best for you.”

That hurts more than Will expects it too. All his cautious optimism about this is gone, and the tension he’s felt for months is finally resolved, but in the worst way.

“What’s best for me is for my parents to say that they don’t think I need to change.”

His dad doesn’t immediately respond, and the tension in the air just shatters. Will feels released. Like he feels after turning in a long essay or finishing a round of suicides. He’s free. But his dad finally replies.

“Like I said, we’ll work through it. I love you Will. Your mom and I love you.” He waits, but Will doesn’t say anything. His dad wrings his hands and fidgets, but seems to want to wrap this up. “Anyway… uh, we’re leaving for the Jones’ for dinner in about an hour.” He makes a fist and taps it gently on the doorframe before awkwardly walking away. 

Will gets the bed of the truck packed and is driving away in fifteen minutes. 

* * *

After about an hour of just driving in the general southwest direction, Will stops for gas and to figure out what the fuck he is doing. 

His parents didn’t kick him out. But would they? If he didn’t change? He doesn’t think they’d send him to actual conversion therapy but they probably would want him to do pseudo-therapy sessions with the pastor. Are they going to stop paying for college? His academic scholarship did get a boost this year, but there’s still about three thousand leftover that needs to come out of pocket come next fall. He has about fifteen hundred in his account right now. He could probably make up the difference in the summer. But maybe his parents would keep paying? They clearly don’t hate him.

But Will can’t go back if that’s how they’re going to be. They need to sort their own shit before he wants to go back to that. And it hurts, because he was so happy. He was having such a good break, he almost forgot about how it could be with his family. He thought they were moving forward to something good. But he shoves down the hurt and thinks about what to do.

The truck is his. He bought it in high school and it’s in his name. No worries there. This semester was already paid at the beginning of the year, so he can wait to worry about paying for senior year. But now he’s sitting in the parking lot of a gas station and has no clue what to do for the next few weeks of break.

He could go to the Haus. But… he honestly doesn’t want to be alone right now. His first choice would be to be with Chowder. But, Chow lives in California. Will flirts with the idea of flying out and even checks ticket prices. He could afford one, but that would make it harder if he had to save over summer to make it to three thousand… and Will hates flying. Or at least, he thinks he does. He's never been on a plane, but the idea fills him with dread. He doesn’t know if he could do it alone without freaking out. So unfortunately, not Chowder. 

Bitty would be happy to have him just like Chowder, but that’s the same dilemma. He’s in Georgia. That’s a long fucking drive. Cait’s in Virginia which is better but still a lot. He could go to the alumni in Haus 2.0… but they would be a little too concerned. He aches for Ransom a little bit, but doesn’t think he could handle being around their whole gang even if he really wishes he could be around Rans. Jack is an option, but he would feel awkward and imposing. He knows Jack wouldn’t want him to feel that way, but it’s just how it is. He's gonna feel like a burden in any place he goes, but he and Jack were never quite as close.

It seems like the answer was set from the start. He knows Nursey’s address is in the team contact info google doc, so he finds it and plugs it into his phone GPS. He sets off for New York.

* * *

Driving in the city is fucking _awful_. How is there this much traffic? Don’t people walk here? Nursey doesn’t even have his license. Why wouldn’t you walk if you could? The only people driving should be the ones going in and out of the city. Although, that could already be the case and there’s just a fuck ton of people doing that. Will could not be more happy to see the number for Nursey’s house. It’s smaller than he imagined, tall but narrow. And it joins up with the neighbors, which Will thinks is weird. This street is way less crowded, so he just pulls to the side in front of the house, but he doesn’t think he’s supposed to park on the street. He can figure that out with Nursey’s help though.

He stands in front of the door for at least five minutes, doubting this decision. And then panicking that Nurse might not even be here, he probably goes out with friends at some point, and it’s kinda late after the drive. Trying to mimic confidence like he sees in Cait and Lardo, he says in his head, _Fuck it_ , and knocks on the door. It takes a few seconds, but Nurse opens the door. 

And he’s obviously shocked to Hell to see him. Will should’ve just gone back to Samwell, even if they were doing well before break, Nurse probably doesn’t want to see him. He pushes all that down to chirp Nursey, which feels a little weird but hopefully will kill some of the awkwardness.

“You look like a fish, Nurse. Aren’t you happy to see me?” Nurse still gapes at him, very much like a fish. 

Shaking his head a bit, Nursey smiles. His voice is guarded, but he sounds happy when he responds, “‘Course I’m happy. What are you doing here?”

“Thought I’d come see you. That okay?” Will tries to let that confidence fill him, but it’s half-assed at best. He really is nervous that Nurse will just say no.

“Totally, Dex. Uh, let’s get your truck into the garage. We have a guest space.” They both climb into the truck and Nurse directs him around the corner to the entrance, where he punches in a code. They pass an attendant who waves at them, and the spaces are blocked off by chain link fences. They get to the Nurse’s spot, where one small sedan sits already. The other space is open, and Will carefully maneuvers the truck into it. He sees Nurse eyeing the stuff in the back, but thankfully he doesn’t mention it other than to mention that the garage is private and he can leave it here. So, Will only brings his small duffle up with him. They get back up to the street and walk to the house again, both boys staying silent until Will starts to ramble.

“You said… well, you probably mostly said it to Chowder, but I was also there, and you said you wanted us to visit. I- I know this isn’t what you meant, probably. I should just go back to the haus, what was I thinking-”

“Dex!” He stops rambling and looks at Nursey. He’s smiling. Will is hit once again by how pretty Nursey is. It’s cold but he doesn’t move to go inside yet, waiting for Nurse to make the move. Instead, he continues, “I’m happy you’re here. Of course you were included when I said that. I just didn’t really expect… you to take me up on that I guess. But it’s fine. It’s good!” he corrects, sounding genuine. “I’m happy you’re here.” That sentence does carry the weight of curiosity, and Will can tell that the question of why he’s here will come up eventually.

“You sure it’s alright?” Will finally asks, noticing Nursey shivering a bit. “I should have called.” He stares at his feet waiting to be invited inside, even though he feels like an intrusion anyway.

“Yeah, dude. My moms will be thrilled to have a friend of mine over.” That makes Will smile.

“We are friends,” he states. “I’m sorry. Again. For… just generally being shitty about the living together.” He can feel heat rising in his face and ears and it stings compared with the cold outside, but he doesn’t mind. This moment with Nurse feels like a turning point.

“It’s not all on you. I coulda’ been easier to live with. I’m sorry too.”

Will feels much better than he did five minutes ago, and miles better than he has all day. He smiles and says, “Chowder would be so proud of us.” They laugh and finally go in out of the cold. 

Meeting the Nurses is easier than he thought. He finds some genuine confidence returning to himself as he chats, and they’re excited to have him, just like Nursey said. He still feels a little like he’s intruding, but he doesn’t even say anything and they’re assuring him that he is not a burden. It makes him feel good. They have dinner, and he wants to help clean up but the Nurses tell him they have it. So he and Nursey head up to his room to set up an air mattress. Will is a little surprised there isn’t a guest room, but he’s not upset about sharing Nursey’s. He just wants to be close to someone. 

They watch Netflix, shoulder to shoulder, which feels nostalgic even if it still happened occasionally, recently. But after a while, Nursey brings it up, which Will knew he would.

“Dex?”

Will doesn’t even let him ask. “I… look, Nurse. It’s not that I don’t want to tell you or think that I can’t, but… I’m not really ready to talk about it.” He breathes, before continuing, “Swear it’s not you, dude. Just… can we pretend for a bit that this is just a fun surprise visit?” Will thinks for a minute that Nurse will press, but he doesn’t. He nods.

“Got your back, Dex.” And Will smiles at that. 

“Thanks, man. You wanna find a movie now?”

He pretends like he’s picking something, but he actually picks one he thinks Nursey will enjoy more than him. It’s his own little thank-you. As their starting, Nurse says his name again.

“Dex?”

He turns to face Nurse, and tries to stay calm even though their faces are so close. “Yeah?” he answers, hoping his voice didn’t shake. 

“Why did you come here? And not to Chowder? Or Ransom or Bitty?” Will wasn’t expecting that. He didn’t want to lie, but he also didn’t want to let on to how shitty he had been feeling earlier that day. He chuckles to lighten the mood.

“Well, for one thing, I can’t afford a plane ticket to California.” He bumps against Nursey and gets a smile. While technically untrue, that would be an unwise purchase, so he doesn’t feel to bad about the little white lie. “And maybe I just missed your dumb face,” he chirps, desperately hoping he can keep the conversation from getting too serious. Nurse smiles and calls him out.

“That is a bold faced lie,” he accuses, but he’s happy. It isn’t a lie, though.

“Maybe,” Will plays along. “But also…” He really doesn’t want to reveal to Nursey that he was close to spending all the money to see Chowder anyway, because he knows he’ll get chirped. So he mumbles it. “Mafrdoflyn.” That makes Nursey laugh, and Will is starstruck again. 

“What was that?” Nursey teases.

“Nothing. I said I missed you, didn’t I?” Will says playfully. Nurse sees through it.

“You’re giving me extremely chirp-worthy ammo as a distraction, so whatever it is must be even better.”

“Yeah, let it go to your head, Nurse,” he chirps back with a smile. He takes a chance and leans into Nursey. “I missed you so much I couldn’t wait two more weeks.” There’s a moment of peaceful silence, and he continues, “I’ll tell you. One day. When I don’t think you’ll ruthlessly chirp me for it.” And Will means it. 

“Sure, Dexy,” Nurse says, and Will’s heart flutters. “One day.” And they laugh. And if it’s a little too easy to lean on Nurse and rest his head on Nursey’s that’s on his shoulder, well, no one will ever know. It does make his ear hurt when they wake up early in the morning, though. Now that they’re awake, it’s a little too awkward to go back to sleep so they get up and do a bedtime routine. When they crawl into their respective beds, Nurse leaves his hand at the edge. 

Will starts thinking about what Cait said about anxiety. He knows Nurse is worried about him. So he reaches up and squeezes the hand. Another thank-you. For not pressuring him to talk, for letting him stay, for being his friend even after he was a jerk.

They both fall asleep again, but Will wishes they were in the same bed.

* * *

Will is surprised to find that he actually enjoys the city. He misses the beach and the mountains, but the city is fun and he enjoys spending so much time with Nursey when neither of them are stressed about school. They do keep up with workouts, and it’s nice to have a partner. 

About a week before they go back to Samwell, Nursey starts looking bad again. Like he did sometimes throughout the semester. The stuff that Caitlin noticed, Will could see more clearly now. He was tired even though they slept normal hours, he was shaky, and he breathed funny sometimes. He remembered once more what Caitlin said about checking in, and decided to give it a shot at lunch one day.

“You’re shaky again,” he points out, criticizing himself for not having more tact with this.

“Huh?” Nurse swallows and then says, “What do you mean?”

“Your hand is shaking,” Will says, pointing. Nursey brushes it off. 

“Oh, it’s chill. Probably just caffeine still in my system.” They had coffee five hours ago in the house. But, Will lets it go. Nursey hasn’t pressured him to talk more about why he’s here, so he won’t pressure Nursey. But he does keep an eye on him. 

Will was right about this being a turning point. For the first time, as the semester begins, he and Nursey are close. Not just, mutual friends or chill buds. They’re really, truly friends, even if they aren’t the most expressive about it. Chowder is still both of their best friends, but the two of them don’t need him as a middle man. 

Will comes back to the room more often than not. He still uses the bungalow sometimes, but only when he’s sure Nursey doesn’t think he’s doing it because he’s upset. It’s mostly when he wants to go to bed early. They watch Netflix and do homework and Nursey even sits in the kitchen while he and Bitty bake. 

Hockey is intense. They’re doing so well, and everyone feels confident but won’t say it because they don’t want to jinx it. They want to make Bitty proud, and they also want to do it for themselves. 

Will notices Nursey get a lot worse very quickly around midterms. Something clearly is wrong, but he has no idea what. Nurse stops spending time in the kitchen, but Will is worried so he starts going up and doing homework in the room with him. They sit in silence. Things calm down slightly after testing, but Nursey hadn’t looked good. Cait and Chowder noticed too, but they didn’t gossip about it. Chowder is extremely stressed anyway. He takes on a lot of pressure as goalie, but also the intensity is hard for him to adjust to. Cait did give him a pointed look a few times, though.

Late in the semester, he wakes up on a Saturday and heads down for breakfast. Nursey was still asleep when he left, but is gone when he wakes up. He must’ve gone out the back door. After breakfast he heads back up to the room, picks up a bit and starts on an assignment. But his phone rings. 

It’s his mom. Will is nervous, but he answers.

“Hey mom.”

“Hi, honey. How you doing?” Is she just going to pretend like things are fine? Will is okay with that.

“Things are good. Team’s probably gonna make it to the champs,” he says, not mentioning how his parents haven’t been to any games this year. It’s a far drive but they usually make it to at least a couple. 

“Good for you, sweety. I’m proud of you,” she says, and Will can’t really respond to that. The words are right but the context is wrong. He waits and lets her be the one to continue. “I wanted to talk to you about this summer, hon.”

“Oh. Um, actually. I’ve been looking into summer jobs down here, and one of the professors in my department knows a coding thing I could do. It pays really well for a summer job,” Will admits. He hadn’t said anything to his parents yet about not coming back, but mostly only because they hadn’t said anything to each other at all.

“Oh. Well, Will… we, we really think you should come home. We miss you,” she says, and Will doesn’t want to know what she’ll say next.

“Of course, I’d come see yall. I just… this is a good opportunity, and it’s good pay. And I really like it here.” He thinks back on their conversation about feeling out of place at home. 

“Your dad and I… we of course want you to finish your education and would never suggest otherwise, but we think that you might do good with a little time away from Samwell. This summer. Then you can go back for senior year in the fall.”

“Mom…” he starts, not knowing where he’s going. How does he respond to that? “I don’t need time away from Samwell. I need to start building a life for after college at some point, right?”

“But you can do that _after_ college, baby. With all that’s going on, we think you should come back and-”

“So I can go get converted to being straight with Pastor Jones?” Will interjects, feeling angrier now.

“Honey, these feelings… they’re just part of life, they come and go.”

“No mom, they don’t. It’s not a phase.”

“Honey, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to, do something to get back to- I mean, what if it is a phase? How can you know it’s not?”

“Because it’s not, mom! It never has been.”

“But you never… showed any interest like that before. We can help you stop-”

“Well I can’t just-” she cuts him off to continue.

“-those feelings, and if you just take a minute to listen-” he’s had enough.

“No, you’re not listening, mom. I’m telling you, that if I had kept going on like that, kept pretending, you might have lost me altogether.” He hears her sharp intake of breath and he’s glad. He wants her to realize how serious it is. He remembers how shitty he felt freshman year. And who knows where he’d be if that had kept up? Could he have survived years of that self-hatred? Of the lying to his parents?

“Will, honey, your dad won’t- We can talk, we can make this better for you. We want to support you, but you’ve got to meet us halfway-” she starts again but he cuts her off another time. 

“No- mom, listen. I’m good. I’m better than ever. But lying like that, for as long as I did, that wasn’t good. I won’t do it again. Not even if… Dad never wants to see me again for it. I don’t care.”

“Of course he wants to see you, Will, we want you to come home this summer. But you’ve got to work with us. It’s… it’s a sin. Let us help you, honey.” Will takes a deep breath.

“Well I guess I’m not coming home this summer then.” The line is deadly quiet. 

“Will… we want to support you. We want to help. Please honey. This is what we know we should do. We have to help you. We want to. We’re your parents. Your dad can’t allow this to go on like this… Please, honey.”

“That’s not my problem, mom.” Something in him resolves again, and he schools his emotions back to a blank slate. “I’m happy. I’m not going to change. He can deal with it or he can give up. I can’t decide for him.”

“Honey… just, will you call us? When you’re ready?” Will is done and wants this conversation to end, so he ends it.

“Alright. Goodbye,” he says and hangs up. He’s calm. Then there is a loud bang from the hallway. He looks out into the hall to see Nursey exit the bathroom. He didn’t think Nurse was here, but Will guesses he came back recently.

“Oh, hey Nursey. What was that bang?” Probably Nurse being clumsy.

“Oh, just hit my knee. It’s chill.” Bingo. Will smiles but mercifully does not chirp. He heads back to his homework, and Nursey follows into the room, looking awkward. If he just gets into his homework he can forget that whole conversation.

“You know I got your back, Dex? Right?” Nursey says out of nowhere, still standing weirdly in the middle of the room. _Oh_. He realizes then, and stops typing. He doesn’t look up.

“You heard that, huh?”

“Yeah… some of it. But whatever it is, if you need to talk about it, y’know. I’m here.”

“It’s… I’m okay. I really am. But, well, I don’t know. Family drama,” Will explains lamely, Nurse giving a quiet affirmation. He looks painfully awkward still, but now Will is noticing that he looks rougher than usual.

“Come sit,” he says, patting the bed. “You look upset.” He doesn’t know if Nurse will appreciate him pushing, while Will himself is still not sharing everything, but he really is more concerned than usual about Nurse. “Your eyes… have you been smoking?” It’s a little early for that. He sits down and doesn’t hesitate to lean into Will.

“No, not smoking,” comes the quiet reply. Oh. 

“Nursey… were you crying? What’s wrong?” and Will’s heart breaks at the defeated look that comes over Nursey’s face. 

“I… If you’ve got family drama to deal with, I don’t wanna…” 

“No, Nursey. Forget about that,” he says. He really will be fine. “It’s handled. Tell me what’s going on.”

Almost whispering, Nursey finally answers. “I need help, Dex.” Immediately, Will’s concern triples and he almost freaks, but keeps a lid on it because Nursey probably needs him calm. 

“What kind of help?” he asks. “A counselor? Bitty?” They big guys, both over 6 feet and big from hockey, but Nursey looks so… small. Will wraps an arm around his shoulders.

“Not Bitty. I don’t want to add to his plate right now. And not Chowder either. You know he’s more stressed than he lets on…” Will nods, prompting him to continue. “And not the counselor yet, if I can avoid it. If things stay bad or get worse, then yeah. The counselor, and my doctor. But for now, I want to try and fix… this, on my own.” Will is freaking out more than ever, wondering what he means by things being bad or worse. Nurse corrects himself. “No, not on my own. With help from someone I trust and who can hold me accountable. But… without the doctor for now.” Nursey looks up at him then, before he has a chance to get himself to look calm again.

“Okay,” he says, and breathes, struggling to stay calm. “What is it? What do you mean hold you accountable?” Nursey seems to struggle for words for a moment, then hops up, startling Will. Nurse crosses the room to the dresser and hands him… oh, fuck. God. The blood drains from Will’s face, the air leaves his lungs, and he feels like something just crushed his ribcage. The bottle in his hand makes him feel like he’s falling off a very long cliff. 

“I need you to make sure I only take one a day. I swear I’m not trying to hurt myself, but I’ve just been so stressed that I’ve been taking too many… and I don’t want to end up in a bad spot. Or worse than now, I guess.” Will feels a sliver of relief take hold but he’s too freaked out to calm all the way down, yet. He keeps listening to Nurse. 

“I’ve run out before my refill twice now,” he says, and Will immediately knows it was what happened at midterms. And probably that week in New York. “I normally do stick to one a day, but bad days I just don’t notice… The times I ran out, once was while we were on break, and the other time was leading up to midterms.” Yep, Will was right. “I… I had four in my hand this morning without even thinking about it, and it’s a Saturday. Some days I probably take four or five even, and I barely notice.” Will wants to cry, but that’s not what Nursey needs right now.

“I talked to Jack on the phone this morning, because, well, he… gets it.” Will knows about Jack’s OD. He doesn’t know details though, like whether it was accidental. He assumes it was. He wants it to be. “And he said, if I didn’t want to go to the doctors yet, I’d have to tell someone who could help me. And… I don’t know if you’re even comfortable with this, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…” Nursey is pulling at the bottle, but Will doesn’t let go. He gently yanks it back, then stands up and hugs Nursey.

Despite being better friends than ever, they still don’t necessarily hug a lot. But Will is so fucking grateful that Nursey asked for help when he did, he’s so grateful for Jack, and he’s just relieved that Nursey didn’t do this on purpose, and he has to hold on to him. Nursey doesn’t hug him back, but he doesn’t pull away. Will holds him for a few seconds before pulling back first.

“Of course I’ll help you, Nurse.” And it’s a simple truth. He would never leave Nurse alone on this, even at their worst. But it scares him to think if Nurse had hit this point when they weren’t close. Would he have gotten help? Speaking of help… “Are you sure you shouldn’t talk to the doctor about this, though?” It seems pretty serious. And Will is going to do everything he can, but some things are just beyond his understanding. Like chemicals and medicines and addiction.

Nursey looks at the floor. “Jack said that as my friend, he thinks I should. But as someone who understands the feelings, he gets why I don’t want to straight away. And if you know, he won’t get Bitty involved.” Will tries to understand this. He supposes, in Nursey’s shoes, he’d probably feel embarrassed. Or ashamed. Or like a burden. So getting help is scary, but telling the doctor would be scary and extra serious, like something that is too much for him to fix. And he would feel helpless. But there has to be a compromise, because Will doesn’t feel comfortable being the _only_ help Nursey has through this.

“How about, I help, however you need me to. But in a week, you call the doctor. That way you can tell them that you’re getting it under control and have someone looking out for you, but if anything gets worse, or if things go south as you back off the dosage… they can help, too,” he finishes. He’s still holding Nursey’s shoulders. There’s a long pause.

“Yeah.” Will lets that relief spread a little more, finally allowing himself to calm down a bit. “Yeah, I’ll call in a week,” Nursey finishes.

Will smiles. “Good. For now… what kind of help do you want? I could hold onto the bottle for you, or…” he didn’t really know what Nursey needed from him, but he would do it.

“I think… since I barely noticed it was getting out of hand, you should hold onto it,” he replies. Will can’t help but agree.

“Okay. I can do that. You’re gonna be okay, Nurse,” Will responds firmly. He feels kind of like Bitty or Chowder, trying to comfort someone. But he also remembers Caitlin’s firmness when she was reassuring him, and he tries to channel that here. “Now, come on. I’ve got a paper to write but I want you to sit with me. Grab a book or something,” he orders. He finds the surprised look on Nursey’s face amusing. They settle back in, leaning on each other, and Will writes while Nurse reads, slowly. He probably isn’t paying much attention, but Will can still feel him loosen up throughout the morning.

About two hours later, he finishes his essay. Nursey stretches with his arms up, and Will knows this is probably too flirty to be normal, but he jabs a little at Nurse’s ribs, making him laugh. Now that things are calmer, he starts thinking about his own problems again. He really does have a potential job here, but he also doesn’t want to be alone all summer. And if Nurse needs him…

“Nurse?” he asks, taking the chance.

“Yeah?”

“Can I stay with you this summer?” If he weren’t nervous he would laugh at the look on Nursey’s face, all surprised. He recovers quickly.

“Oh. Yeah dude of course! No doubt. That would be chill.” He rambles, and he rubs at the back of his neck with a hand. It makes Will suspicious.

“You seem surprised. What did you think I was about to say?” he teases.

“Kinda thought you were about to tell me you’re gay or something,” he responds in a humorous tone, but they both freeze. Nurse is the first to start talking again.

“I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking before I spoke and I shouldn’t have implied… but if you were, it’s okay, just I, I shouldn’t say stuff like that and… oh god.” Will feels his chest get lighter watching Nursey dramatically flop and cover his face. The tension dissipates and he starts laughing. It’s honestly so funny. Why hasn’t he already told Nursey? 

Nurse is peeking out of his arm looking confused, so Will finally has mercy. 

“I am gay, Nurse.” Nursey’s face remains passive, but Will knows it’s not because of anything bad. Just awkwardness probably. He pulls Nursey back up next to him. “Don’t you dare say something cheesy, like ‘thank you for trusting me with this moment,’ because I already got that from Bitty and Chowder.” Will is smiling, but at the look that crosses Nursey’s face, he knows exactly what he’ll say.

“That’s chill.” Ugh. How he has a crush on Derek fucking Nurse is a mystery to him. But he laughs, and feels light. 

The next week, on Friday, Nurse calls the doctor. Will keeps a hand on his back, rubbing circles like his mom did once for him. Nurse is embarrassed, and the doctor asks if they need to be concerned about self-harm or suicide. 

“No. Definitely not. I never wanted that, just… got carried away with the meds. And I have friends- family, helping me stay on track now.” That warms Will’s heart a lot. Nursey keeps talking to the doctor about dosage and refills and an appointment when he gets back to New York. Finally it’s done, and Nurse just melts. He leans over and Will adjusts them so that they’re reclined against the headboard and he’s holding Nurse. That’s a new development- they’re much more snuggly now. 

“I need a distraction,” Nurse says. And Will knows that it isn’t an innuendo, but his mind still wanders. He reigns it in though, and thinks of something else. 

“Is me telling you about why I showed up at Christmas too heavy?” Nurse looks up at him, and Will can tell, that lying here with his arms around Nurse and looking at him is his favorite place to be. 

“Definitely not. Tell me!”

Will laughs. “It sounds bad, but really, I’m okay. Basically… I came out to my mom at the end of last summer. She made it sound okay, but it was weird, and we barely talked all semester.”

“You stayed here for Thanksgiving with Cait, too,” Nursey murmurs, nuzzling into the space between Will’s neck and shoulder. Will’s heart skips. 

“Yeah. That was mostly because I didn’t want to see my grandparents though. But when I got home for Christmas… at first it was awesome. We had so much fun, doing family stuff and I was just genuinely enjoying their company like I hadn’t in years. And I really thought we were gonna be okay. They didn’t want to kick me out, they didn’t hate me… but they wanted to fix me. They started talking about seeing the pastor and a new counselor and “working through it” as if being gay is some temporary issue, and I just… couldn’t be around it. So I left. And went to your house,” Will explains. “And then the phone call you heard… my parents really don’t want to kick me out. They want me to go along with them and try to fix my sin, or whatever. In their own weird, backwards way, they really do think they’re loving me. But basically, I shouldn’t go home unless I’m ready to get with the program.” Nurse is quiet below him, but he can feel wetness on his neck.

“Hey, don’t cry,” he says, rubbing his hand up and down Nursey’s arm. 

“I’m sorry. That’s really shitty.”

“Yeah, but I have some pretty good summer plans, now,” Will says trying to lighten the conversation a bit. Nurse smiles into his neck. 

“You never told me what that other reason was. Why you chose me and not Chowder or Bitty,” Nurse points out. And… Will knows he’s signing up for endless chirps, but if it makes Nurse happy, he’d say or do anything, no matter how embarrassing.

“I thought about going to see them… I even almost bought plane tickets. But, I’m actually afraid of flying. My family never flew, and I’ve never been on a plane and they just… freak me out. I know, logically, they’re safe, but I just couldn’t do it.” Nurse is quiet, and Will thinks he’s trying not to laugh or something.

Instead, he asks, “So is this a bad time to tell you that I got us tickets to fly to see Chowder this summer?” Will can hear his smile.

“Nah. I’m sure I’ll be okay if you’re with me,” Will responds, maybe a bit too honestly for two men snuggling who haven’t talked about feelings yet, but it’s true. 

He feels lips brush his collar bone, a small peck and nothing more, and then Nurse settles in, wrapping his own arm around Will’s middle. Will is smiling when they both fall asleep. 

Nothing significant happens for the last few weeks of school, no big confession of feelings, no first kiss. But they both know that something is there. Chowder is totally onto them. Bitty doesn’t seem to notice, but he’s so stressed with not baking that he probably wouldn’t notice if they actually did kiss in front of him. Will feels bad disassembling the oven, but it’s really necessary. 

Finally, Bitty finishes the thesis. Eventually, it’s time for their last game. Win or lose, this is their last game with Bitty, Ollie, and Wicks. And goddamn do they want to win.

Bitty taking that hit scares the shit out of all of them. Will is worried that he hit is head. And maybe he did, because what Bitty does next is so insane that it shocks the whole stadium into near silence. 

“Holy shit,” Chowder says behind him.

The trainers lead Bitty off the ice, and everyone is worried and freaked out. But instead of making them distracted, it makes the need to end this more urgent. It’s overtime and they’re all deadly. Whiskey looks so determined that Will is a little surprised to see him pass the puck at the last moment and then Nurse makes a perfect block for- 

Ollie scores. 

And pandemonium begins. Hugs all around, cheering, slipping and piling each other on the ice, the rest of the team rushing to them from the bench, and everyone screaming. When they finally get back on their feet and take off helmets, Will catches Nursey’s eye. 

Nursey skates right over and kisses him, and all is right in the world. They break apart in time to see Bitty rush back onto the ice, missing a damn tooth. Nursey leans in and whispers in his ear.

“Jack’s probably gonna fucking love that.” And they laugh, and hug Bitty, and Chowder, who hasn’t stopped screaming since he saw the kiss. Will is so happy. He feels hopeful again, but this time, he knows he’s right. Things really are going to be great. They’re gonna be chill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought! It's so encouraging when people let me know what they liked or didn't like, and it makes me want to write even more!
> 
> Hope everyone appreciates my teensy change to canon, but Ollie needed a little time to shine!
> 
> Also I don't remember if I named Dex's brother/sister-in-law before this so Dan and Liza were what I chose, but if I did give them different names and just forgot, please let me know!


End file.
